Differences

Now that we're back on track and making progress with the adoption process, it's time once again to tackle the dreaded special needs checklist.  I haven't slept well the last two nights.  The first night was because we had our sick kid in our room.. on a cot.. on the floor.  And every time I heard him move I jumped up to make sure he wasn't throwing up again.  I must have gotten up two dozen times.  Last night I kept waking up thinking about who baby sister is going to be.  We read the story The Seven Chinese Sisters last night at the boys' bedtime.  We talked about things they noticed about the sisters.  They all have black hair.  They all have black eyes.  They all have "Chinese" clothes.  And so on.  I think that, and the excitement of being one step closer, got me thinking a lot about baby sister.

One thing that's been heavy on my mind is making sure we're doing the right thing by raising our family in the community we are in.  I went to the city a couple of times this week, and for those of you not familiar with the bay area, we now live in Moraga, which is a 25 minute drive to San Francisco if you time it perfectly, which I've gotten very good at!  When I was in the city on Tuesday I started getting anxiety wondering what in the world have we done... we traded all of this diversity and opportunity for a sleepy little town with much less diversity and not much else aside from fantastic public schools and big lots. But is that the right thing for baby sister?  There are huge differences between the city and Moraga.  Would it be better to raise baby sister in the city where she will see more people like her, where she doesn't look different than a majority of her classmates, where it will be easier to cultivate her identity as a Chinese-American.  I spent the good part of 24 hours totally stressing about it. I know, I know, I know, those of you (really just my husband's family) who already like to poke fun at how much we move are getting a big kick out of this.  But every move has had a purpose and if the housing market hadn't crashed, we would have been 3 moves fewer at this point.  In all honesty though, this is a BIG deal.  Raising a comfortable, confident young woman from another country is a huge responsibility and before we bring her home, we need to have our feet firmly planted.  As much as I wanted to talk to Parker about what was on my mind and distracting me, I didn't want to say anything until I had thought through it enough to come full circle. I thought through everything.  Who would the city be good for?  Us, baby sister, the boys?  Who would it negatively impact?  The boys.  The boys.  The boys.  What are the benefits of staying in Moraga?  Quality of life, more $ in the bank.  And the overall financial implications.  Selling another home.  Moving costs.  3 private school tuitions.  By last night I was ready to talk to Parker and before you gasp at what the result may have been, I will save you the shock.  We are not moving.  Yet.  Ha!  The yet part - we've always said we would move back to the city.  Maybe the kids will want to go to private high school in the city.  I doubt it as the public high school they are slated to attend is one of the best in the state.  So if not, we'll high tail it back the day after baby sister graduates from high school.  How ticked will she be when we're packing up on graduation day.

While there is tremendous upside to raising baby sister in the city, we also have to balance what is best for our entire FAMILY.  And what's best for our family is to stay put.  Our boys are happy out here.  They love the slower pace, hours spent playing in the backyard, friends in the neighborhood, and they each love their respective schools.  I love that they're happy and that Parker is less stressed at home (work is a whole different story).  Parker loves that the boys are happy, our mortgage is a lot less and school is cheap.  It isn't free.  If we wanted free school, we would have moved to Oakland.  You get what you pay for kind of thing. Hey, that's a good spin for our school's fundraising campaign:  "You want free school, move to Oakland!"  or San Francisco, or Richmond.  See what "free" school does for your kid!  Otherwise, buck up and stop letting other families foot the bill for your kid's PE, music, speech, etc. Stepping off my soap box now.... moving on.

Of course we can't change the ways in which Moraga differs from the city.  The upside is that this is a great community.  The people are friendly. It's safe.  The schools are phenomenal and our basic needs are easily met.  And did I mention it's really peaceful and pretty out here?  The view from our older son's elementary school alone is almost worth it.  A far cry from the rooftop playground of a private school in the city.  Sure baby sister will look different than a lot of her peers, but there are some families of color out here so she won't be totally alone.  Thanks to our son's kindergarten teacher, we met another family in our town who just brought home their daughter from Taiwan last spring and she and baby sister may well end up as classmates.  And it will be up to us to raise and educate her in a way that her differences don't define her or make her less comfortable or confident than any of her classmates.  We will also stay connected with the city to experience places and activities where her culture is alive and vibrant and celebrated.  Ways for all of us to learn and develop as a multicultural family.  Our plan is to get an apartment in the city in the coming years so that we can spend more time there and do more cultural activities.  Not just Chinese stuff.  But music, museums, movies, food, celebrations and activities that will provide our kids a well rounded education.  Opportunities neither of us had as kids growing up in small, predominately white, working class towns.  It's more a case of the tools we will have access to ... and they're all available. We just have to work harder and travel farther to access and utilize them.

The other differences that are concerning me are physical differences that baby sister may have and this is where we need more resources and more tools.  We have to fill out the dreaded special needs checklist.  There are some things on there that, to us, are no brainers.  Cleft lip and/or cleft palate.  They're easy fixes in our opinion. Surgery and orthodontia.  But hey, if she was our bio kid she would have needed plenty of orthodontic work anyway.  Those of you that grew up with me know what a mess of teeth I had.  Until I was twenty freaking one!  But along with surgery comes a scar.  I know it seems like a really minor issue when you're thinking about it as a rational adult, but for a young girl a scar on her upper lip may very well be a big deal. And I know a little bit of my heart would break the day she comes home crying because some little brat, most likely a 13 year old girl, made fun of her scar. Much like the night my dad had to pick me up from a junior high cheerleading slumber party because the girls were making fun of being an adopted kid.  Another no brainer for us is a child with a heart defect.  It could be as slight as a murmur or as major as something requiring open heart surgery.  Another case of worrying about a scar.  On her chest of all places.  We have friends who went through this and they provided great perspective, not only on heart defects in general, but specifically as it concerns scarring.  She told us that when she asked the surgeon about the scar, he looked at her like she just asked the most moronic question he had ever heard and he said something to the effect that the surgery was going to save her life, so who cares about the scar.  (another lesson in perspective - like our friend says, this guy fixes tiny baby hearts so don't go thinking you are doing anything meaningful with your life!)  So there you have it.  I like the simplicity of it.  Well, sweetheart, you do have a big scar on your boob but at least you're alive.  I hope she says yikes, you're right, my lucky to be alive scar! Hey, maybe we could use the same approach with the cleft lip scar. Well, what would you rather have, a tiny pink line above your lip, or a gaping hole with a close up view of your summer teeth?  I think I'm getting caught up on the wrong details!

Or it could be a different issue. We may mark yes to malformations.  This could be webbing of fingers or toes. Which, I have to point out, could have very well occurred with our bio kids as it runs in my husband's family.  So we should mark yes to it.  This would be an obvious physical difference.  Some cases may be correctable with surgery, and a scar on a hand or foot really is minor.   We could make up one helluva story for her to explain it.   If it isn't correctable then she could have hands or feet that look different than most.  Or maybe she will have a hearing issue. We have friends going through such an issue with their son.  Watching them has been a very eye opening experience.  And a great learning experience. The example they are setting is a great one for us and we know, with their guidance we could tackle a hearing issue.  Part of that package would include a hearing aid.  I will punch the kid in the mouth who makes fun of her hearing aid.  And his mother too.

There are plenty of things that we will unhesitatingly mark no to. Things that would give us a baby sister who would be so different from us that she wouldn't be able to be an active participant in our family life.  These aren't limited to just physical issues, but also mental, emotional and social issues as well.

I'm not really sure how to sum all this up other than this is just another peek into the thought process that goes into adopting a special needs child from another country. If I was pregnant, I'm sure I could write just as much about my thoughts and concerns about my unborn child, but the real difference is that when you're pregnant you don't have to make choices about what your child will look like on the inside or out.  It's those choices that are proving to be the toughest part of this entire process. I have read about many families who adopt from the special needs program and don't struggle with any of this and I applaud that.  It's noble.  I wish I could just open my heart and mind and not worry so much about the differences.  But it's who I am.  It's who we, as a couple are.  But like one of the women from our agency told us, we don't need to feel guilty about it because there are thousands of kids who fit the bill for baby sister so it doesn't matter if we check yes to one box or five boxes.  Saying yes to one is changing the life of a child who otherwise has no future.