Yep, just like being pregnant. But the good thing is I don't have a heel in my ribs and a head on my bladder. So, it could be worse.
These two little girls have turned my world upside down. I made a thousand phone calls and sent two thousand emails yesterday and today trying to get some perspective. Okay, maybe not in the thousand(s) range but it feels like it.. eating, drinking and dreaming about these girls. I wish I could say that we are ready to embrace one of them, but we aren't just yet. It's hard when you feel so much with your heart but have to think as clearly as possible with your head. Thankfully there is one level head involved in this... my super awesome low key husband... and smarter minds... our pediatrician and a doctor at Oakland Children's Hospital that reviews adoption files. I've emailed her and called her. I'm sure I've annoyed her.
I also had a really encouraging and supportive discussion with a complete stranger last night. The wife of Parker's buddy from college. My new friend! I think I mentioned she use to be the coordinator for this program at an agency in Washington D.C. She's also the mother of 3 bambinos ages 4 and under. And I kept her on the phone last night until 8:30pm my time / 11:30 her time. So generous of her to talk with me. The nuts and bolts of the conversation were that these are two seemingly good files. She brought up a couple of red flags from things in the reports that we never would have picked up on. She also said if these files were at her old agency, they would have been placed immediately. Thankfully we're in California. Nuff said. She also talked me through other considerations. Some people going through this want the youngest child they can get with the most minor special need... i.e. cleft palate. But as easy as that sounds, there's more to it than you think. From a mother's perspective she encouraged me to think about our support system, what we will do with the other two kids when the new little one has to have surgery, and post op appointments, and more surgery, and maybe bone grafting, and speech therapy. She also said she's seen these easy cases turn into more difficult ones as when the baby grows and continues developing, more "stuff" comes out... and with a little older one, you have a little better idea of what all the "stuff" is. So much more to think about!
Parker is traveling but we talked late last night and have decided to have one of the files reviewed at OCH. It's costly. Not that it isn't worth it, but we will start with one and go from there. If we had both of them done, it's more money and more work for us to process. I agree with him. We are having the younger and healthier of the two girls' file reviewed as I type. We've been cautioned that the pre-adopt medical review errs on the more conservative end. Meaning they'll tell you all the really bad stuff that could happen and give you the most dismal prognosis just to make sure you know the worst case scenario about what you're up against. Again, like being pregnant.. you read those awful week by week or day by day, whatever the heck that crap is. They tell you all the scary stuff that could happen to your baby but not the practical stuff that happens during pregnancy. i.e. the stuff that Jenny McCarthy's book DOES tell you. So we'll look to the doctor's report for the scariest of the potentials and to the BTDT (been there done that) elders on the discussion group to give us practical perspective.
I'm totally stressed about this and I won't lie, my heart is hopeful that one of these little girls is a good match for us.
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