The other day I read one of the blogs that I follow. The family is celebrating the 6 month anniversary of bringing their daughter home from China. The post began with a simple, raw review of the day they met their daughter. I got tears in my eyes and goosebumps on my arms as I read it. When I was telling Parker about it last night he joked that I played it tough until we got married then I became a total wuss. The truth is, marriage didn't soften me, becoming a mother did and that's why this mother's retelling of such an amazing moment got to me. I am going to live that same moment and since reading about hers, I can't stop thinking about what mine will be like.
This blog post said that when they met, the little girl cried. She said she seemed small and fearful but her brave soul persevered. She said that the tears welled in her but she just smiled and took her daughter's hand. I can't even imagine the powerful emotions that will overcome me and baby sister at this moment. I learned very quickly one day that while I can be a very strong woman, I am not a woman that has the strength to control her emotions in very stressful situations. Our little guy got very sick a couple of years ago. By the time we got him to the hospital he was losing consciousness and didn't come to for a few hours. I cradled his lifeless body and walked from the ER, down the hallway to get xrays. We watched helplessly as they put in an IV and he didn't so much as flinch. All the while, tears rolled down my cheeks. One of the asshole nurses asked me what was wrong. What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG? What's wrong is that my baby won't wake up and you haven't got a clue why. THAT'S what's wrong. After I snapped at her, I cried some more. I knew that I should have been stronger in those moments but the emotion overwhelmed me. If there was one time I should have held it together more, that was it! So I know that while the author of this blog, and new mother to a brave little girl, cried on the inside and smiled on the out, that I don't stand a chance at being so tough. Much to my husband's chagrin. He cries too, but just at movies like say, The Time Traveler's Wife. As we walked out of the theater, I could see him wiping away his tears and I said "Are you crying?" (insert dude, seriously?) He responded with "Yeah, aren't you?" (insert you cold hearted beast!) See, he's a baby too, but for wimpier reasons. At least my tears are relative to real life! And 99% about the lives of children. Mine, yours, theirs.
When we had our bio children, our "moments" weren't quite what we thought they would be. I'm sure many of you concur. You prepare for this beautiful, blissful moment in which you watch the doctor guide your baby out, wrap him in a flannel baby foot-printed blanket and hand him right to you and it's magical. I love that it happens for some like that. But for us, not so much. To be totally honest, I was so out of it the moment I finally got to meet our older one that I don't even have a vivid memory of it. It was a rough ride with enough drugs to require 6 infusion pumps on the IV pole and as many lines going into and out of my body. By the time I met our baby, I was in the recovery room and just starting to wake up. I loved him before I even met him but we just didn't have that crazy, magical moment you see on TV!
We had more of a moment with our little guy. I wasn't quite as doped up, nor as tired, thanks to a scheduled c-section (skipped the laboring and pushing altogether, woo hoo!) but what nobody tells you is that you're not just numb when you have an epidural, you're downright loopy. Add to that a surgical assistant counting loudly, doctor's turning from chit chat about baseball to their plans to take off that old scar and give you a new and improved one, and the magic just sort of slips right through your doped up hands. I did get to hold our little guy right away though. I saw some of his first breaths, watched him look around and squint at the light, and soothed him with my voice and later, my boobs, so we got a little bit of magic.
The road ahead is still a long one, but I can't stop thinking about the moment we meet baby sister. It will be the first time I'll be completely lucid as a new mom. And it will be the first time I'll become the mother to a little person as opposed to a squishy newborn. I cannot wait for that moment. The pure joy in becoming a mother again, no matter how she reacts, no matter how overcome with emotion any of us will be.
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