New Blog with new pictures and updates!

Hi friends.  I just wanted to leave a quick note that I have moved my blog to:  www.thecolvin5.com

If you're a subscriber here, please check out my new blog and subscribe to it. The functionality should be better and the user interface much improved. Leaving comments will now be a breeze!

It's been one heckuva week.  A bunch of new, adorable photos of Macey and tonight I'll be sharing the month-by-month updates I've gotten on her.  Yay!

First a twist, now a turn!

What a roller coaster the last few days have been.  Sheesh.  Little did I know the can of worms I would open simply by following a friend's advice to check out this foster program's website to see if Macey may have been part of the program.  Not only did we find out that she was indeed part of the program, but we got an even bigger piece of news last night.  

Parker and I attended a school board meeting last night.  My phone started vibrating around 8:45pm.  I assumed it was our babysitter but when I dug it out of my purse, saw an unfamiliar 415 number on it.  The meeting got out at 9.  I listened to the voicemail left by the 415 number as we walked to the car.  It was the coordinator from our agency. I assumed something was up for her to call and leave me a message so late.  While Parker ran into Safeway for a couple of things, I called her back.  

Turns out she had some very big news for us.  Macey was a twin.  Sadly, her twin did not survive.  My emotions turned on a dime.  From my heart racing thinking we may be getting two little babes, to my heart then breaking for the unimaginable loss our little one has sustained. I know she was so little but she's a twin and there has to be some part of her that will know that loss, if not now, then at some point.  And for us it's just terribly sad to think that our little girl's sibling died.  It's unbelievable.  

We don't know anything other than that she was the twin who survived.  We're trying to see if the foster program can help us out by digging up any information they can on Macey's twin.  It's the only part of her family we know of and it would be nice to be able to provide to her a more complete picture of what happened rather than just telling her she had a twin who died.  That almost seems pointless.  But being an adoptee, I know she needs to know anything and everything about the circumstances of her birth, foster care, and time spent in the orphanage.  These are all relevant pieces to her life puzzle.  Like the straight pieces that make up the frame.  She won't be able to complete the puzzle, no matter how many other rich and colorful pieces we are able to provide if she's missing a part of the frame.

Finding out Macey was a twin also really helps explain the swelling and fluid in her head.  Poor thing was probably just squished in utero.  The swelling disappeared right away. Some fluid was still there at 9 months but is gone now. (And it wasn't blood, etc.)  Her last head CT scan came back as normal. She's healthy and happy and boy is she a fighter. 

I've looked at her latest pictures about 200 times since I got them and I can't even put into words how excited I am to meet her, hug her and squeeze her and tell her the rest of her life is going to be a freaking breeze compared to what she's gone through already!  A total freaking breeze!

SOS = UPDATE!

Well, if there is any good to come of last night's panic attack, after finding new info on Macey on a foster home's website, it's that we got a really great update on her from our agency in the wee hours of the morning.  I had sent a distress signal to them by way of a total freaked out email.  I basically said hey, there are two big, BIG issues that weren't disclosed in her paperwork, so we need further clarification immediately.

Deep exhale.

Clarification received.

Macey's doing great.

Heart Disease - Our agency thinks this was mis-stated and inaccurate.  Macey did have a heart murmur. They did an ultrasound early on and everything looked fine and the murmur was "tending to close."  No subsequent issues.

Skull Deformity - Like my friend said this afternoon, lots of kids have this, and it could just be from sleeping wrong.  But thankfully, Macey isn't one of those helmet needing kinds of kids.  Whew!  Bald and a helmet.. that would be a rough welcome to the USA! What's next, head gear?   Turns out our coordinator is on vacation.  She received a couple of updated pictures of Macey, as well as a new head CT scan before she left on said vacation.  When was she planning to let us know about this very important update?  I do not know.  But thankfully my freaking out via email spurred her to react.  At 1:30am she sent us a nice note along with 2 new photos and a Chinese document from Macey's last CT scan done on March 30th. (Yes, March, as in over 2 months ago.)  I'm totally ticked off that it took me finding information elsewhere, going nutty as a result and sending her a psycho email in order to get this from her. I'm also a little peeved that the CT scan was even done.  I told her a while back that if it was in the process, that was fine, but if it wasn't not to push for it. The last thing Macey needs is more radiation, let alone that of the Chinese sort!  Ugh. But she got it anyway.  Our agency is planning to translate the results of the CT but I beat them to the punch.  Thanks in part to one of my best friend's who just happens to be Chinese and whose father was able to turn around the translation on a dime.  Heck yeah!  He sent back a clear and complete translation of the CT scan within hours of receiving it.  That's what happens when you have a PhD on your team!  So awesome!  Turns out there's no skull deformity, nor is there any fluid which showed up on Macey's first CT scan about a year ago.  This is great news and such a huge, huge relief.

And as the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Some of those thousand swirling in my head right now are:  happy, healthy, joyful and thankful for our beautiful silly girl!

Surprise - a new baby picture of Macey!

Gotta love technology and modern communication.  I've mentioned before that I have this whole new group of cyber friends who I've met through different adoption yahoo groups and forums.  In the last few days I've been emailing back and forth with a new friend who just brought her little girl home 6 weeks.  Her little one has been having night terrors.  We went through a 5 month spell of those with our little guy last year so I reached out to her. I also told her that baby sister may have been in her daughter's birthday party pics but that I'm a terrible mother and can't tell if any of the little friends was her!  Anyway, tonight she mentioned that I should look at a website for a foster program that Macey could be a part of.  A foster program that I didn't even know existed, let alone that they have a website with photos and stories of the kids they foster.  And guess what? A few clicks later and there she was!  A..MA...CEYING!  (just made that up on the fly, by the way, fancy me...)

I don't know what I'm more excited about.. a new, albeit dated picture, maybe the youngest we've seen of her, or the fact that she was fostered which means she was cared for one on one, talked to, held and loved.  I'm so happy for her. I really hope she's still there but I don't know yet. I emailed the foster home.  I got all goofy when I saw the photo and just impulsively sent an email asking how she's doing, if she's still there, if they have any pictures they can share.  Then after we got the boys to bed I pulled myself back together and sent another note asking about the foster family, what their needs are and if we could send anything directly to them.  I have a feeling she's probably been moved from her foster family to the orphanage by now, having been nursed back to health after her rough start.  But I'm holding onto a glimmer of hope that maybe she's still being fostered.  Fingers crossed!  It would be such a relief if that's the case.  And such a gift to be able to have a more direct conduit to her.

There's also a slight bit of confusing info on the paragraph that accompanied her photo on the foster care website.  It says she was "diagnosed with heart disease and a skull deformity."  What the heck?  Sort of big deals and probably worth mentioning in her file. Ya think!  But nope. I sent an urgent request to our agency and I will follow-up with a phone call. Thank God for summer break. I can get on this first thing in the morning.  I'm assuming even if Macey does have some sort of heart disease that it's either minor or has healed by now.  Giving the benefit of the doubt to those file writers!   Even so I'm going to demand further investigation and documentation.  I'm also assuming the skull deformity comment was the precursor to the head CT.  In the CT report there's no mention of anything other than some fluid.  Everything else is reported to be normal and healthy.  No mention of "skull" nor "deformity" .. so certainly no mention of a freaking skull deformity.  Things that make you go hmmm.  Stuff like this further complicate an already almost impossible process.  It's tough enough making decisions with a lack of information and clarification.  Then to find out through another family that this foster program exists, rather than from our own agency, who are supposedly "experts," seems ridiculous.  They ask for pages and pages of documentation and information from us, yet the outflow is almost nonexistent.  So very frustrating.  In my heart I know Macey's fine but I do want them to dig into it a little and provide some clarification for us, not only of her health from early on, but also how she really is doing today.  A little peace of mind will go a long way at this point.  I cannot sit here and wonder for the next few months.

Just when it started to get a little boring!

So what's up with the adoption?

I have been getting lots of questions in person about what's going on with Macey and the adoption process so I thought I would give a quick update on our adoption blog ..about the actual adoption.  Imagine that.  There really isn't anything going on right now other than we're just waiting on the next step, which is LOA.  Hence the reason my posts have been about all sorts of random topics and not specifically the adoption process or Macey.  Honestly, I wish there was more to share, but there really isn't.  (So instead I'll just have to keep over sharing about everything else!)

We sent a care package to Macey (and the orphanage) last month and all we heard back in return was that the orphanage received it, would pass along the gifts to Macey and were very appreciative of the formula we donated.  That .. was .. it!  Nothing more and no pictures.  Not even a thank you for the knock off Gap wear.  Nada.  We're going to send another care package next month and we may, or may not, get a picture out of it.  If we send a cake or something along that line, the service company asks for a photo as confirmation the child received, and was able to enjoy it.  We are really hoping that we'll get a picture but who really knows.  The last photo we have was taken around January/February.  What we've heard anecdotally is that they (orphanages/institutions, BLAS, CCCWA) only provide updated pictures if the original photos, or those that were included with the file, are over 9-12 months old.  With that said, I'm not feeling all that optimistic that we'll get any new photos given the ones we have are only 5-6 months old.  If we don't get any new pictures between now and the day we meet Macey in person, I doubt I'll recognize her.  That sounds awful, and I hate to admit it, but it's true.  Shoot, I saw a picture of a birthday party with a bunch of toddlers from her orphanage and I couldn't tell if any of them was her. Nor could Parker.  I got a lot of consoling from my on-line friends who have gone through, or are going through this process.  One new mom just picked up her daughter in March and said on gotcha day she was waiting in a conference room with a few families and when they brought the kids in she thought the one in the front of the line was hers .. then the third one in line .. and then thought maybe she got the wrong kid because she looked nothing like her picture.  I'm secretly hoping we'll be the only family around on gotcha day so that I don't have to be so suspect of my little girl!

As far as the process goes, we're just waiting on our LOA.  I'm not keeping track, but for purposes of providing this update I just did a rough estimate and I think we're about a month into it.  It could come any day, or more likely, it will come in about a month, month and a half.  Once we get that, there are a few pieces of paperwork to take care of. We have to apply for a Visa for Macey, which is a form I-800.  Not to be confused with the earlier form I-800A.  If I recall correctly from the instructions for the I-800, I think we can just send it in (versus sending in the first part and waiting for an appointment assignment by return mail).

The last step is the TA or travel authorization.  TA usually comes about 2 1/2 months after LOA.  We're still hoping for mid to late September travel.  Backing it up would mean we would need LOA within a month, in order to get TA by early September.  Again, I'm not keeping track and I try to avoid thinking about the timeline as much as possible because we have absolutely no control over this part of the process.  It's frustrating and I feel a little helpless, but thankfully I have plenty of other projects to keep me busy and sane.  (No more waking up at 2am to check for email because it could come tonight or maybe not till one random night in July.  ugh)

Projects before Macey comes home:
1. Transform the guest room into a super cool boys room
2. Order a bed for her
3. Order drapes for her room (I had the best intentions to get this done over a month ago! Argh.)
4. Shop (in stores, friends homes and/or their storage bins and garages) for her wardrobe
5. Order artwork for her bedroom walls
6. Paint her room
7. Move the boys out of their (soon to be her) room and into the guest (their new) room
8. Have built-in bookshelves made in the hallway so all of the kids will be able to easier share the library of books we now own.  Built-ins are so much easier on the eye than big, bulky standalone bookshelves, dontcha think!  Because children are really concerned with the aesthetics of their rooms...

Birthdays

Today is our big kid's 6th birthday.  Yep, turned 6 on 6/06.  That means he was born on 6/06/06!  Yowza, hello Damien!  HA.  He couldn't be more the opposite. The sweetest most easy going kid ever.  I don't know about you all, but on birthdays, or really starting a few days prior, I get all sappy remembering the day my kids were born and all the sweet moments between now and then.  And it's funny that I can't think about one of my kids' birthdays without thinking of the others, which now also, naturally, includes Macey.

Big kid - I think about how ridiculously nervous I was. I wasn't nervous to be a parent.  The idea of a baby didn't scare me at all.  But you know what did?  Poop!  Yep, poop.  Not baby poop.  Adult poop.  My adult poop to be specific.  Gross, I know.  Hence the reason the simple thought of it nearly paralyzed me!  I am very modest.  I don't, and won't, go to the bathroom in front of my husband. I know many of you are rolling your eyes now and thinking that I'm a total prude, and that's just fine. I'm not a prude.  I just have limits people.  And pooping is one of them.  I will never knowingly or intentionally poop in front of my husband.  Or anyone else for that matter!  I was so scared of pooping during labor that I made my husband take a vow of secrecy regarding the matter.  I also knew that I had to have an epidural. Not just for pain control, but also so that I wouldn't know if it happened.  I really cringe just thinking about it.  So that's what I was worried about going into labor.  Ridiculous!  My due date came and went and no baby. No sign of a baby.  41 weeks and still no baby.  Decided to get induced on June 4th so as to avoid the dreaded 6/6/6 baby.  Got induced the 4th, but no baby.  June 5th rolls through and still no baby.  30 some hours and a few hours of pushing later and still, no freaking baby.  Issue + issue + issue + issue = emergency C-section.  And a few minutes later.. A BABY!  A quiet (well, choked so as to not cry) baby who came out peeing.  Me and my potty issues and I get a kid who comes out taking a whiz!  Better than a poopski!  I can still hear his first cries and remember what it felt like to hold his little jelly body. I remember the way he snorted like a piglet rooting around for his breakfast and lunch and dinner at the moomoo diner which was open twenty four hours a day.  I remember writing down which breast he nursed on and for how long.  I tallied poops and pees but I couldn't tell you if I did or did not shower that day, nor could I even recall if I'd eaten anything.  But I didn't care because I was in love. As in love as I've ever been. Not just with a sweet bundle of baby boy who wanted nothing more than to be with his mama all day and every day, but also with my husband. It was amazing to look at him and think wow, we made this. You and me!  We did this. It was shocking that we could have made something so perfect.  I was also in awe of how I just fell in love with my husband all over again. He held our little baby so gently, and talked to him so sweetly that I could literally feel the tenderness.  A tenderness that one only knows in the sweet nurturing new parent moments.

Little guy - Welcoming him into the world was such a cinch in comparison to the big kid who, if he had his way, may very well be in my womb right now!  I had pre-eclampsia so I had to deliver him early.  But let me tell you this .. while c-sections may totally blow .. a scheduled c-section is delightful!  I checked into the hospital, got changed and waited for my nurses to get it rollin'.  I had a head nurse and a student nurse.  Thank goodness I'm not having any more bio kids or I surely would be more afraid of student nurse IV and student nurse netherlands shaving than I would be of public pooing!  Those few painful and embarrassing moments aside the process was almost enjoyable. Enjoyable compared to the torment that was the long, 3 day welcome we gave our big kid.  About 2 hours after checking into the hospital I was in the OR waiting for my surgical team.  It's funny that during my first c-section I was so out of it that I didn't remember the details.  This time around, however, I was painfully uncomfortable thanks to the student nurse shave job + lack of gown + lying on a skinny, metal operating table while listening to the surgical assistant counting, counting, counting. But thanks to her counting, there were no random objects left inside my sliced open, pulled out and put back together abdomen.  Thankfully the birthing process went pretty quickly.  Our little guy was born about 15 minutes after the surgery began. I got to hear his first, instinctual cries (thanks for not using the choke hold doc!) and marvel at the call out of his weight.  7 pounds, 7.7 ounces.  (after having a 6/6/6 baby first go around).  About 45 minutes later I was nursing him in recovery, rather than actually recovering as I had to do when the big kid was born. I felt at ease, at peace and blubbering over how in love I was.  (with a c-section you not only get an epidural but a really nice little loopy IV cocktail)  I had long worried about how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved our big kid.  What a dumb thing that was to worry about. Almost as stupid as worrying about pooping in front of my husband!  Love isn't about making choices about how to feel .. it just takes over!  It really does. I loved our little guy so much that I didn't want to let him go. The recovery nurse had to ask me a few times over the course of 45 minutes to take him away for his shots, bath, etc.  Whatever it is they do with newborns that only my husband knows since I was laid up in bed both rounds.

Macey - Early on. Pfft.  What am I saying?  Let me rephrase:  A month or two ago, I worried what it would be like to "meet" our daughter rather than give birth and have that instant connection, instant bond.  But I get that time now.  I get to think about her and develop love for her now much as I did with the baby boys in my belly. I can feel my love growing.  I can also see the love my boys have for her. It's unbelievable.  We don't even have to bring her up or remind them to consider her.  She's as natural to them as their sister as she is to us as our daughter.  I was proud, and caught off guard, the other day when I was picking up Parker's truck from the dealership and they service advisor asked our little guy if he had brothers or sisters.  He replied "Uh huh."  The guy prodded him a little more:

Do you have an older sister?
No, a baby sister.

Do you have a brother?
Yes, a big brother.

How old is your brother?
He's 5.

How old is your sister?
She'll be 2.

Heart.  Melting.  Moment.  From the most unlikely character.  And he's right.  She will be 2 on her next birthday.  I can't wait to celebrate with her.  If not her 2nd, then her 3rd and 4th and 5th, all the while reflecting on the moment I first saw her picture.  Or the long, painful, emotional discussions that lead us to accept her file.  The joy and relief I felt when reading the 25th and final page in the Oakland Children's Hospital doctor's review/report on her file.  The leap of faith we took when we finally wrote our Letter of Intent.  They may not be the same physical memories of giving birth to bio kids but like I said earlier, love isn't about choices or effort .. it just takes over.  I'm very thankful today for the love of my husband, my two boys and my little girl.

Room enough for Macey and then some!

I did it. I finally did it. I gave up my cool, lost a little of my personality, swallowed my pride and bought, as my friend calls it, a big girl car.  I am officially part of the SUV driving suburban moms club.  Now if I were still in my old part of the city, this move would have been sort of cool and elite and otherwise qualified me as a member of the Marina Mafia. They were the hot chicks in the black luxury SUVs who double-parked anytime, anywhere because the Marina Mafia don't give a s*&t!  But out here it's not cool, nor sexy.  And it's certainly not elite.  It's simply practical. Now I can do playdates and carpool without swapping cars with Parker for the day and I'll have a seat ready and waiting for Macey come September.

Please note that I did not say I joined the minivan club, which is way more popular and has far more members out here!  That's a very important distinction. I haven't yet succumbed to the pressure to join that club and guess what?  I never will.  Never. Ever. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever!  Even if we adopt 5 more kids .. I'll just throw the extras in a trailer and hook it up to the back of my SUV.  My buying decision for this specific vehicle was swayed by its reason for being: "The Infinity JX is a seven-passenger full-size crossover vehicle that is intended to appeal to buyers seeking a premium alternative to traditional minivan or SUV options."  It's the SUV option of a Minivan for us holdouts!  I bought a vehicle that's about as close to a minivan as you can get minus the lower ground clearance and sliding doors.  Its shape closely resembles a jacked up minivan, I hate to say!  I have 3 seats in the second row and 2 seats in the back row which, WHICH!, is accessible by sliding the second row forward.  No more catapulting kids over the second row or making them climb through the back.

I went shopping today and for the first time in a year I just kept opening up the back and throwing stuff in. No more making the kids hold crap or loading my front seat up to window level.  This SUV thing may not be too terrible after all.  That is, so long as I get accustomed to my new, larger size and wider turning radius.  Till then, watch your kids and stay off the sidewalks!  Also take notice of the tire tracks in my front lawn. Backing out one SUV from the garage while another is parked in the driveway is super duper tricky!

It was inevitable, as my little guy's preschool teacher said this morning.  It was.  I needed a car that could fit at least my own 3 kids, and in order to truly be a good and accepted suburban mother, a few other kids as well!  But I'll get used to it.  I hate to admit that it's way more comfortable than the Mini.  Like settling into a barcalounger after having sat on a metal bench for a year, not realizing how terribly uncomfortable the bench was till you got up and couldn't feel anything from your butt down!  It also has a lot more get up and go than the mini.  And it's so quiet and smooth!  And, and, and it's so roomy. And so freaking big that I feel.  Like.  A.  Mom.  No longer young-ish hip city chick!  Goodbye to that girl.  But don't worry, we aren't burying her.  Just putting a wig on her for a while.  It's only a 3 year lease, after all, silly!