We need more time

That about sums it up.  Making a  decision of this magnitude is almost too hard.  If we were pregnant and presented the exact same set of circumstances, we would have no choice.  We would take it all in. Hope for the best.  And deal with whatever happens, when it happened.  But we don't get that privilege. We have to make a decision. And soon.  We've asked our agency for more time, which they were happy to give to us. On top of getting a boatload of info to process from the doctor today, we also need to talk about this face to face.  Which couldn't have happened today or tonight because of Parker's work obligations.  We also need some questions answered.

The call with the doctor went really well. She was candid but understanding and reasonably warm.  The most difficult part of this whole process is the lack of information.  We're going off of one set of values taken when this little girl was 9 months old. She is now 17 months old.  And there is a whole lot that happened between her "intake" date at just over 2 pounds and a day or to old, to the miraculous catching up she's done to date.  It all sounds too good to be true. And that may well be the case. She may be a miracle baby, much like I was.  A refresher, I was a few months premature, 2 pounds 9oz, supposedly had hydrocephalus and was developmentally delayed.  I didn't have a single hiccup as a child. Perfectly.  Healthy.  I'm not naive enough to think that's the case here. But at the same time, that's kind of what it seems like.

On the flip side, however, there is one HUGE unknown about this little girl.  There is one glitch that's big enough that if the worst case scenario panned out, she wouldn't be able to become a productive, self sufficient adult.  Like Parker said, I can be proud of a Starbucks Barista, but we really have to think long and hard about an adult who cannot take care of herself, etc.  No offense to Baristas out there.  Point being, we don't need baby sister to go to Harvard or win a Nobel prize, but we do want her to become a productive member of society.  The odds here are a shot in the dark.  Best guess is that it's 25% chance.  But again, that's with how little info we have. Maybe we could whack these odds in half if just knew a little more of her story. And the doctor also pointed out that there really wouldn't be anything that could get us as low as 5% given her challenging beginning.  But even if the odds are what they are, there's still a 75% chance she will be fine.

25%.  Haunting, double digit risk factor.  Is it worth it?  Can we get better than that?  Can we get something different?  We have absolutely no freaking idea.

Since the call I've talked myself into wanting to move forward only to then find as many reasons to talk myself out of it.  I'm not sure how we are going to make this decision. Perhaps the answers to the questions we asked will help. Our doctor came up with the most important questions to seek answers for.  There is little chance we'll get answers to them all, but if we can get a few more tidbits of info, it will lessen the fog of mystery and help us come to some sort of conclusion.

I am definitely one to take an emotional risk.  Thankfully Parker's approach provides a balance.  He is a fact finder and verifier and a number cruncher.  And he's a dude. He's emotional to a point but his rationale wins out time after time after time.  If it was just me, I would say yes, absolutely, I want to be her mother.  But I can't do that.  We can't do that.  We have to think about everyone.. short term and long term.

This is where that damn list comes into play.  If we had just filled it out and agreed to it, we probably wouldn't be considering this little girl.  Why? Because while she doesn't present with any major issues, the one she has would impact her emotionally and mentally.  We talked earlier on that we would rather have a physical issue than a mental one.  And now look... here we are at a crossroads because we haven't filled out that damn form.  But like I told Parker on the phone today I don't want to just make a decision now based off of what we thought we wanted versus what is in front of us now.  We owe it to ourselves and to this little girl to dig deeper.  Dig deeper within ourselves and dig deeper medically and historically to make sure we are making the right decision.  So that's what we're doing. The excavation has begun.  I'm hopeful we'll uncover some useful facts, but overwhelmingly stressed that we won't.

Still cautiously hopeful.