I've gone from ecstatic to optimistic to hopeful to doubtful to fearful to pessimistic. We haven't gotten any updates. Maybe they're working on them... maybe they're somewhere being translated... or maybe they aren't coming at all. And unfortunately if we don't get any additional information or the answers to even the simplest of the questions, we won't be able to take the leap of faith to move forward with the adoption.
I'm thankful that every time my emotions spiral out of control that my husband is a male who is, by default, rational. I'm also thankful for kind, wise and generous friends. Without these things, I'm not sure I would have what I need to get comfortable with any decision, let alone the one that will leave me deeply saddened. Parker is a facts and numbers guy and he has laid out his thoughts methodically and rationally. At the end of our discussion about this little girl on Thursday night we thought it sure would be great if we had some help or advice that wasn't just on paper. We decided to call in the help of a dear friend and mentor. He's on vacation so Parker sent him a quick email. We heard back the next day. Long story short, I checked my email at 5am this morning (hoping for an update from our agency) and there was an email from a world renowned doctor from Europe who was kind enough to take a look at the little girl's file at the request of our friend. Amazing.
The one thing we're feeling good about is that the advice we're getting is consistent. Same risk factors, same potential issues that may or may not present in the future. Consistent, yet unbelievably depressing.
Last night I re-read the files again as well as the pages of notes I scribbled during our conference call with the doctor to review her report. I've mentioned before that the doctor said this little girl is doing amazingly well. She also said there isn't anything in the medical report that is terribly alarming. Both fairly positive. BUT, the one big issue this little girl has could have been caused, or is a symptom of, a number of different things OR it could be self limiting OR it could just be something she was born with and is part of her anatomy. In order to come to some conclusions, we have to isolate each of the causes or symptoms on their own and think about it from the perspective of okay if this is the cause/symptom then the worst case scenario is "x" and just go down the list to make sure we talk through each of them. There is only 1 of 8+ potentials that is scary. So last night I told Parker this is insane. We're looking at it from the perspective of the worst possible cause and the worst possible outcome. It's almost ridiculous to even think the odds could play out that way. But they absolutely can. And if they did, we probably wouldn't know it until she starts school or even later in high school.
Because she's doing so well now, I really don't foresee in my heart of hearts that she's just going to take a nosedive. But she very well may peter out at some point. Or she may keep developing normally but have something else go haywire in her brain. It could impact her mood, her relationships, her temper, her ability to hold down a job. These are big issues but really just the tip of the iceberg as the stalling out of development would be an even worse outcome.
Bottom line is that we'll be able to make the best decision with the addition or absence of additional information. We really don't need much more to sway us, but if we don't get anything, we can't rightfully agree to move forward. There's too much risk and we can only do it if we both agree it's the right decision. Parker doesn't want me to be disappointed that he's not comfortable moving forward given the risk factors that we've been told time and time again. And I won't be able to live with the guilt of putting this on our family should the worst of the scenarios play out in the coming years. Thankfully, thankfully we are able to talk through all of this. Almost too well. I can't even think straight right now, I'm so overwhelmed playing out the scenarios in my head, checking my email every 2 seconds, switching the subject of any and every conversation we've had in the last week back to this girl without even intending to. My mind is stuck and I am looking forward to becoming unstuck.
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