Just waiting

It's been 11 long days since we met this little girl in photos and on paper.  I finally got a good night's sleep last night, comforted by knowing the information we're waiting on wouldn't be coming in at any moment, so I wouldn't need to wake up to check my email a few times a night.  t talked with our coordinator yesterday and we are getting an update, hallelujah, but not until the woman at the orphanage who can provide it, gets back from her trip on 3/9.  The good thing is that it's 3/9 in China as I type this.  YAY!  But I don't know if it means she'll be back in on 3/9 or that we'll get something on 3/9.  But I do know it will make for another restless night tonight if we don't get anything by the time we go to bed. Which I'm sure we won't because said woman has to return, write up the info, send it to the agency in China facilitating this, who will then send it to our agency, who then has to translate it... When will we actually get it?  Aye, aye, aye, I don't know, but I'm really hoping it's tomorrow.  Of course Parker is traveling tomorrow so just our luck we'll get the info while he's en route to his meeting and will be expected to make a quick decision.  If there's more medical stuff, I don't even know if they'll give us more time to have our doctors take a look.  If there isn't, I wonder if they will expect it immediately?  There are other families in line, ya know.  Weird to have to 1) make a decision about a kid and 2) be hurried because of other families breathing down your neck to get that kid that you may actually want!  Weird and awkward and nearly impossible.  If I haven't said it before, I'll say it now, being pregnant is so..much..easier.  I would rather be 42 weeks pregnant, peeing every hour, wheezing without even taking a step, not sleeping, popping tums like tic tacs with a head on my bladder a couple of feet in my ribs... AND CANKLES!  All that physical crap is nothing compared to this, especially when that baby comes out and you love him so much that it doesn't matter what his future may look like because he's yours and you love him and whatever will be, will be.  Well, that and this being my personal story. I'm sure many of you have horror pregnancy/child stories that top this but in my little bubble of rainbows and puppies, pregnancy was a breeze, pre-eclampsia and all and my kids are healthy.  There were no tough decisions to be made.  When I was pregnant with our little guy we didn't even do any of the non-required testing because it didn't matter.. we were having the baby no matter what.  And now we have to make a decision.

This may sound nuts but we totally underestimated how gut wrenching this would be.  We anticipated following the process, getting a referral, and accepting the referral.  We thought the hardest part would be deciding which special needs we would or would not accept.  But then I jumped the gun and looked at the kids our agency is placing and how could I not find one of those little faces to love?  So rather than checking special needs off of a list, we are now considering the needs of this particular little girl.  Like many things, when you put a face to it, it is much more meaningful.     

One of the things I find comfort in is that there are other families in line so if we do end up having to say no to this little girl, I hope one of them are able to take her.  I was so distraught at the thought of us saying no only for the other families to do the same for the same reason.  That reason being the big unknown, the what if, the worst case scenario.  But over the last few days, what I'm learning is that in the adoption world, there are all sorts of families.  All sorts of welcoming, loving, flexible, open families.  Some families are better equipped than others for this or that special need.  Some are able to adopt a 10 year old as if it's no big deal. I can't even imagine.  Language issues, hurry up and bond before she's off to college. My eyes have been opened to families on the same journey but who are taking different routes.  It's a unique way to build a family so there really isn't a right or wrong .. only what's right for us as a family.  What may be wrong for us may be the perfect fit for another family and vice versa.  We have the resources for a lot of things others may not. Not just financial resources, but consider where we live. We are a 15 minute from Oakland Children's Hospital and a 45 minute drive from Lucille Packard's Children's Hospital at Stanford.  Not to mention some of the top Pediatric Therapists, Neuropsychologists, you name it.  If you live in timbucktwo, there are a lot of medical conditions you can't take on because you simply cannot make a 2-6 hour drive for surgery, post-op appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc.  So I hate hearing "oh blah, blah, you'll get the right little girl."  Suck it!  Kind of like telling a woman who is battling her ovaries "don't worry, it will happen."  So stupid and insensitive.  BUT!  I do believe we will FIND the right little girl for us. She won't just be dropped on top of us like magical air mail from China.  (Dag nabbit.)  Instead, we will find her through hard work, soul searching, honest communication and top notch medical advice.  

Cheers!  Hitting the ambien, I mean chardonnay.