And she's 18 months old

It's so strange to think we have another child.  Another child who we didn't meet the moment she hit fresh air, and instead will greet her shortly before or after her second birthday.

At a party the other night I talked to a woman who, with her family of course, if I'm correct, is the only other family in our town who has adopted internationally.  I may have mentioned much earlier on that I had emailed with a woman who sounds similar... rightfully so, because it's her. It was like meeting a celebrity. I was star struck.  It was so great to meet her in person.  She put me at ease and made light of all the mumbojumbo we have to go through.  And more importantly, laughed off how weird it is to be handed a kid, whether it's 2 minutes, or 2 years, old.  They just brought their daughter home about a year ago.  Their transition has been pretty seamless.  I'm sure ours will totally be like theirs. I mean, we live in Moraga, our families are perfect, the setting is idyllic.  Pffffft.  I know ours won't be that easy.  They didn't get lucky. They're just better at this. They have done it before.  Their oldest son is bio, second is adopted, then the daughter is adopted too.  I loved just listening to her though.  I feel like as much as I try to personalize it, I get so caught up in all of this adoption talk/business that I feel like I'm talking more about a process than a person.  I know we just met our "person" a few weeks ago, but listening to her humanized it for me.  She shared lots of tips, cracked a lot of jokes and provided more moral support than she'll ever know.  Her daughter was about 3 when they brought her home. She never once mentioned anything about the past, only how great their time has been thus far.  I can't wait to be at that point.  Right now I'm still sort of stuck.

We've missed a lot of firsts in baby sister's 18 months.  First smile. First roll.  First tooth.  First giggle.  First step.  First word.  It's so strange to think we have a daughter who has experienced all of those things without us. Without us AND, quite possibly, without anyone else to smile back, cheer her on, or otherwise revel in her development. We are deep in the name discussion (we've made a decision.. more on that later.. ) and last night my girlfriend was over and she asked about what she's been called so far and if she'll be attached to her name.  I reminded her that it's not like she gets talked to individually much at all, and they may or may not use her name or make a big deal about it. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully comprehend the lifestyle of the institutionalized.

Rather than stay stuck on what cannot be undone,  I'll try to take a cue from my new friend and start focusing on the future.  Following are all of the firsts I can't wait to share with baby sister:

• Her smile... in person.
• The sound of her voice.
• Her reaction to meeting her brothers and her daddy (and the heart melting I will experience as a result)
• Our first hug.
• Her first taxi, train and/or plane ride!
• Her first trip to, my universal happy place, the beach.
• The cool, creamy indulgence that is... ICE CREAM!
• The first time she says I love you.. to any of us! ... hopefully not some random ... you never know with these kids!

It will be interesting to see in which order these play out.  I'm sure we'll hear her voice right away.   Maybe not quite in the words she uses, but in the screaming that is produced by plucking her away from her I know nothing different and was happy as a clam till you made me come here, kind of scream!  I think ice cream may speak a universal language so we may use that to bribe her. I've heard lollipops work great as well.  We won't have a choice, or an impact on many of the others.  We have to get to a different province to finalize the adoption, then yet another to fly home from.  Taxi to airport, plane to next place, taxi from airport to hotel, taxi to train station, taxi from train station to airport.  Hopefully while all of this is going on, we'll fit in some of the others.  A hug... a smile?  I can't wait.

Words for a birth mother

I have a whole new post just about ready to go but I just watched a clip that made me screech to a halt and start anew.  I'll put up the other, fun post, tomorrow.

I just watched a clip from the show Smash.  It's towards the end of an episode and Julia (Debra Messing) is reading a letter she wrote to her daughter's birth mother.  I don't know what the context of it was as I only watched this one tiny clip. But as good (and admittedly cheesy) TV proves, it was powerful.  And haunting.  I can't recall the words exactly but I'll try to give you a good feel for it...

She's reaching out in a letter to her daughter's birth mother.  She tells her that she will guard her like a lion. She will raise her with love.  She will protect her from the wounds of loneliness.  She will be a child of two lands and will wear that knowledge with pride.

There's a part of me, a big part of me, who can feel these words already.  But there's another part of me, the lioness, who cannot freaking imagine leaving a baby in a field to DIE!  We are unbelievably fortunate that our little girl did not die.  Who does that?  It's beyond me.  I don't know whether I want to hunt her down and shake a little sense in her K-town style, or simply ask her why would you, how could you, do that to a baby struggling to live. What forced you to do something so inhumane?  To a little girl. To our little girl. MY little girl?  What kind of mother does that? But I can't be too angry, right?  Because if she hadn't done that, if she couldn't have done that, then I wouldn't be given this chance.  Like many things along this path, this is hard to reconcile.  I should be happy, but there's a part of me that is angry for my little girl's sake.  Or maybe just pissed off that this world is so effed up that you can leave a kid in a field and it's somehow acceptable.  Where the heck are we?  It's two thousand freaking twelve people!  I don't care that you live in a communist country. There is no excuse for abandoning your child!

DEEP BREATH.... Sip of chardonnay .....

The other part of me somehow has to find the graciousness in it. The selflessness in such an act.  Did she do it to save her?  The slim chance that someone would find her "in the bush" and help her?  Or did she do it out of fear?  Or was she forced?  By family?  By a husband who desperately needs the help of healthy, strong, male hands?  Or did something go tragically wrong with her, forcing her into distress and an early delivery?  That would be my worst fear. As ticked off as I get when I think about it, I also hope my little girl's mother is happy and healthy and lives a good, long time.  But sadly, I will never know.  And even more disturbing is that baby sister will never know.  I have first-hand knowledge of what that feels like. The not knowing, the wondering. But what I do not have is any feeling of abandonment.  I was cared for in a hospital by nurses and doctors that surely were smitten with my toaster head, squinty eyes and creepy freakish 2 pound 9 oz body.  A few months later I was taken in by a very caring foster mom for a few months before I was handed off to a very loving forever mom and dad.  Now I know we can make up for most all of what she's been through by being in an orphanage, but when the questions bubble to the surface, as they're bound to, about her family, about her story, I don't know what I'll say.  Will I find peace with it?  Am I harsher in my thoughts and reactions because I was adopted?  Or is it because I'm a fiercely protective, obsessive mama bear who would never abandon her cub under any circumstances?  I don't know.  Thankfully I have some time to figure it out.  Even if it's just a few months after we bring her home and she starts asking things in English!

I have thought about what I would say to her. To the birth mother.  The words come easy, because they're much like the words I would say to my own birth mother, should she ever want or need to hear them.  I would want to put her at ease. To close the wounds and start, or finish, the healing.

To the woman who gave my little girl life,


Although we will never know each other, I am thankful for you.  I am thankful that you gave a home to my baby girl for as long as your body could keep her. I am thankful she survived an early trip to the outside world, and I hope you made it through safely as well.  While you couldn't keep her, for many reasons, I'm sure, we are happy to be able to welcome her into our lives and provide to her a family and a home.  We promise to afford her every opportunity and pleasure in life. We will protect her.  We will guide her. We will teach her.  And most of all, we will love her with everything that we are.


Please take comfort in knowing our little girl is strong.  She is a fighter. She is a survivor. She is a sister and a daughter.  She will have an amazing life.  Thank you for doing your part and allowing us the opportunity to do ours.  You never again have to wonder.  You never again have to worry.  Let go of any guilt you've carried since that difficult day.  Let your conscience be free and may your heart begin to heal.  She is alive. She is safe and she is loved..........

With deepest gratitude,


Jen

A little bit about baby sister

I jumped right to the end of the story but realized after lots and lots of questions over the last couple of days that I didn't fill in the missing pieces from the middle of the story!

So here goes. Baby sister was a preemie.  Just 1kg or 2.2 pounds upon intake.  They think she was less than a day old when she was found "in the bush."  Abandoned in the bush within hours after birth. Can you even comprehend that?  I can't.  And I won't let myself because now it's my little girl we're talking about!  The commentary on her report states this:

"The child was abandoned in the bush to the north of.... because of swollen soft tissue of the left tempus; widened brain fold of bilateral lobi frontalis with skull CT check and was sent to our institute upon picking.  On admission, the PE showed:  premature baby with 1kg in weight, obvious short and thin, poor elasticity of skin, not able to suck, cyanosis all over body, body temperature keeping in low level without warming up, closed eyes tightly, both ears were stick to head firmly.."

It goes on a little after that but thought those first few sentences are the most interesting.  It sounds dire, right?  But it's not really. The soft tissue swelling is, of course, the most concerning part of her report.  However, if she was born with it, it could be birth trauma (even preemies can make for difficult deliveries) or it could be benign fluid build up. It's actually good news that she had this upon intake, versus an acute event that may prove to be a traumatic brain injury. That still COULD be the case, however, so we aren't doing a happy dance just yet. Only time will tell.

As for the poor elasticity of skin, not being able to suck, closed eyes tightly and both ears were stick to head firmly - those are all just results of being born too darn early.

Cyanosis is explained by the info below. If blood is properly oxygenated, it is red and flesh is then pink. If it isn't, then the skin turns blue.

Respiratory Distress Syndrome 

Definition

Respiratory distress syndrome (RDS) of the newborn, also known as infant RDS, is an acute lung disease present at birth, which usually affects premature babies. Layers of tissue called hyaline membranes keep the oxygen that is breathed in from passing into the blood. The lungs are said to be "airless." Without treatment, the infant will die within a few days after birth, but if oxygen can be provided, and the infant receives modern treatment in a neonatal intensive care unit, complete recovery with no after-effects can be expected.

Another tidbit of positivity:  body temperature keeping in low level without warming up.  Sounds bad, but it's actually a good thing!  Why?  Well, because it's the body's way of protecting itself.  The brain requires less oxygen at lower body temperatures.

There's good and bad to be gleaned from all of this.  On the upside she may just keep growing and developing just fine. Or, if there is something funky going on in that brain of hers, that is a result of the cause of the swelling, then it could manifest itself in a learning disability as she starts school and hits the next big temporal lobe growth spurt.  If we are fortunate to make it through that one unscathed, we still aren't out of the woods!  Nope.  It could still come out in high school as she develops executive function around 16-18 years old. (Wikipedia says the following about it: Executive function is an umbrella term for cognitive processes such as planning, working memory, attention, problem solving, verbal reasoning, inhibition, mental flexibility, multi-tasking, initiation and monitoring of actions.)

So while she's doing amazingly well (our doctor's words!), it doesn't mean things will stay that way. She is special needs and just because she seems physically and mentally healthy now, it doesn't mean that her special need will go away or never again be apparent.  We're hoping for the best and healthy future for her.  But we're prepared to parent her should she develop a learning disability, impulse control problems, mood issues or at worst, mild to moderate mental retardation.  We will do everything we can to aide in her development.  We are going to assume she does have some sort of brain injury and do what we can to help stimulate her brain accordingly. The brain has an amazing ability to repair and compensate itself so rather than just hold our breath and wait to find out what's going on, we'll assume it's there and tackle it proactively!

Cheers to baby sister 3/20!

Now to the current status of our new family of 5.  We FINALLY told the boys. Yes, long after everyone else found out, but we had to make sure, sure, sure!  Parker had a work dinner on Monday  (PA day) so he didn't get home until after the boys had gone to bed.  Then on Tuesday he skated in just in the nick of time for me to make it to a workout class I just started.  After that we all met at our favorite Chinese restaurant (the one from CNY where they give you a bag of organic produce on your way out!).  By the time we got home we went right into the bedtime routine. Didn't even think about baby sister.  ack!  Then during the first story at story time, the big kid asks "I wonder how many days until we get to see baby sister?"  CRAP!  Parker and I looked at each other with our oh crap faces and I mouthed "go grab the pictures."  When  he got back with the photos I said to the boys that we are going to skip the other stories because we have a surprise.  As we showed them the pictures, their faces were absolutely, stunningly priceless. Biggest smiles, ever.  Big kid said how cute she is. Little guy said he would let her snuggle his beloved Nemo.  He also followed it up with "And I will give her all the toys I don't like anymore."   If you know him, I'm sure you're laughing right now.  He really is very sweet.  And sassy.  Big kid asked what her name is. I told him she has a Chinese name, and that we really need to figure out what in the world her name will be.  He then asked what her Chinese name is and I told him Feng Yuning.  "What?  That's so silly."  Yep, we think so too... Especially since we don't even know how to properly pronounce it.  So now we're deeply involved in the name game.  It's even more frustrating this time around because instead of dealing with just 1 (difficult and unreasonable when it comes to names) person, now I'm dealing with 3 total buggers (who are all way too opinionated)!  

Yay, yay for PA!

This just goes to show, you never really know when the process is going to surprise you. I spent the morning much like any other Monday morning. Dropped off the little guy, then the big guy. Hit the gym.  Ran some errands.  Picked up the little guy, had lunch and a promised trip to Starbucks.  We then hit a cute little shop in the creek for a much needed booster seat for the big kid. He may very well be the almost 6 year old still riding in a car seat.  Like, full-on, 5 point harness car seat.  I know, I know, but he's alive.  So there!  Why not stay as safe as possible for as long as possible.  But I caved after too many "Mom, my seatbelt's stuck."  "Mom, pull over, I can't get my straps on."  This morning was the straw that broke the camel's back.  On M/W/F mornings, I put our little guy in the big kid's seat because we do a drop off and he has to be on the side closest to the school.  The seatbelt in my piece of doo doo car ALWAYS, read ALWAYS! gets stuck.  So I opened the door to let him in and told him to wait for me to put the seatbelt on. Of course he didn't wait.  As I'm putting my stuff in the trunk I hear "Mommy, I need help, the seatbelt is stuck."  Long story short, I had to take the car seat OUT of the car in order to free the seatbelt. I'm done.  I'm over it and the car seat is lucky it's not floating down the creek right now!  After that I had had it and thought that's it, today is the day.  So with little guy in tow, we picked up one of the only booster seats available with the latch system.  Yep, two thumbs up for safety!  Mission complete, so we headed back to pick up the big kid. He does a super fun "critters and clay" class after school on Mondays. I haven't yet seen the fruits of his efforts but he's told us that so far he's made a moose, a turtle and a rhino. I can't wait to see them, especially since they're these mysterious creatures he creates in a class that I've yet to see anything come out of.  After we got home, I made the boys busy themselves with getting the mail and taking some of the packaging to the trash while I removed the car seat from the car.  Two seconds of installation later, and the new booster seat is in and ready to ride.  Take that seatbelt!

After we came inside, I sorted the mail and saw two letters from homeland security.  One for me and one for Parker.  Nervously I opened them.  I was hoping they were for fingerprint appointments but they could have been RFEs, which are requests for evidence (read:  delay).  Whew, fingerprint appointments.  Thankfully, we got the same appointment time on April 12th.  It's fine but I would have much preferred earlier, of course.  I sent Parker an email right away telling him to clear his calendar for that day because we cannot miss this appointment. If there's one thing he's not good at, it's getting out of work on-time for anything but .. more work! .. so I had to be stern.

Two seconds later, an email came in from our coordinator. The subject line was in Chinese, so it could have been anything.  But the body of it contained these magical words:  "Dear Jennifer:  I received your PA today.  Congratulations."  WHAT!! Yay, so we can (we are now pre-approved) adopt her and with that, here she is:

Waiting for PA

We finally got confirmation from our coordinator that our on-line application went in.  Now we wait for PA (pre-approval).  I have a feeling it will take a little longer than normal. Buzz on the blogs and forums is that the CCCWA has reorganized yet again. Some say they moved and disconnected all phones and computers. So even dossiers that went in 2-3 weeks ago have yet to be logged in. Our coordinator said she expects to get the PA in about a week.

So what to do in the meantime. Hmm.  Well, I just sent in yet another check.  This will be the best 80 bucks ever spent!  For $40 we can get an update on our little girl.  Size, weight, other measurements, physical, mental and motor skills development and in general what she likes to do, how she behaves, etc. It will be pretty interesting to see what a quick visit by an outsider garners.  The sample we read was pretty sad.  In the box of commentary for speech and language development, this is what it said:  Because there is no one-to-one talk in this institution, he is fairly behind in language. It's almost unfathomable to imagine these little babies in cribs all day without ANY adult interaction other than feeding and changing. No one-to-one talk. Think about that.  It's deeply disturbing.  Even more so when it's our little girl who has to endure it for 6 more months. Oh and for the additional $40 we will get 3 new photos.  Yay.  Hope to be able to share them with you soon.

You may notice I am calling her little girl now.. it feels a little early to grant her baby sister status, but I promise as soon as we have confirmation we're gonna get her, she will then forever be referred to as baby sister.

On Friday I sent out Parker's birth certificate to a courier in Chicago.  I just got it back from the state of Minnesota a few days prior. I had to have it state certified before this last, final step of authentication.  We should get it back in about a week and a half.

I also finally started our on-line class. You may recall we were advised a little late in the game that we were a couple of hours short in our pre-adopt training requirements.  So I started the on-line class Wednesday night.  I wouldn't say I'm learning a whole lot but just more of the same.  I already have a good idea of what goes on in the orphanages, how the kids develop (or don't) as a result, and the challenges we face in the early months, and the class pretty much just reaffirms all of this.

We have a few notarizations left to take care of and after that our dossier will be ready to go. Save for the I-800A approval.  Regarding that, early last week we received a letter from the Department of Homeland Security that our application and all fees have been received and the next step is that we'll be contacted from a local USCIS office regarding our fingerprint appointment.  Hoping we get our appointment very soon. I've read varying thoughts on this.  Some say to wait for your appointment because in doing so you will already have an officer assigned to you who will process your application start to finish. I've also heard that rather than wait for your appointment that you can just walk in.  This is where it gets controversial. Some say it speeds it up (since you just walk in say tomorrow rather than wait for your scheduled appointment, say, 2 weeks away).  Others say if you do that, you still won't get an officer assigned to you until the original fingerprint appointment date. I think we'll just go with the process as it is suggested.  We'll need the time to plan ahead as I am assuming Parker will need to leave work and I'll have to get a sitter for the boys.

From the get go, I have been trying to move the process along as swiftly as I could, or as was in my control, but now I have an increased sense of urgency.  I'm sure I'm going to go completely insane and back, maybe a few times, in the coming months.  It's so strange and unnatural to think we have a little girl who is just sitting there waiting, all the while barely getting her basic needs met.

We have started tossing around names. We had some great names already agreed upon from when we pregnant with our boys. But now that we've seen her little face, it's sort of a game changer. It's not just coming up with a name that we both, or rather, we all like and agree on.  It's different because we've seen her and now we are kind of caught up in the "well, she doesn't really look like a ..."  We watched a movie last night, as we do pretty much every Saturday, most Fridays too, and as the credits rolled, a name caught my eye.  A name I would never have considered but now we're toying with it.  I should also mention our big kid has pretty much vetoed all previous name considerations.  He even came up with a super cute name on his own when we threw it back at him. So I guess we have at least a couple of names we're tossing around.  A lot of people have asked us if we're keeping her Chinese name, and the answer is no, we don't plan to.  If her name had some significance to it, we would, of course.  But she was abandoned and left in a field and the orphanage just gave her a name.  I think she deserves a fresh, new start.

LOI, now what?

I'm finally feeling a little more normal. For almost 2 weeks I was totally off.  I was physically off, not just mentally!  I had horrible anxiety, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, felt like my head was full of slushy liquid that would slosh from one side to the other with every move I made.  Even a little hungoverish, without the fun the night(s) before! Thankfully I'm back to normal. Almost.

Still waiting for confirmation from our agency that our on-line application got sent in.  After that, we wait for our pre-approval (PA) which may take a few days, or up to a couple of weeks. In the meantime, we've requested updated medical records since hers are 9 months old. We've also requested either a CT scan or an MRI.  I was crossing my fingers that we'd get one or the other until I got an interesting note from the international adoption doctor we're working with... I'll save that for a new post. Need to think through it first and talk about it with Parker.

Yesterday, I got the sweetest photos of the little girl in the mail.  Thankfully I remembered one of the blogs or yahoo group posts about ordering the prints from our agency's website immediately as they take them down as soon as you commit.  Whew!  Got in there in the nick of time.  Literally an hour after I placed my order, they were removed!

I've also been up to no good with my credit card.  I've made a few girly purchases this week. Buying girl stuff is kinda fun!  Coordinated outfits and shoes, oh my!  I bought 2 adorable pairs of shoes on clearance at Target.  This may sound absurd, but as much as I shop there, I've never even looked at kids shoes!  Crazy, right.  The main reason being this:  My boys wear sneakers and/or crocs.  Blah.  Boring.  AND they have high insteps so they have to have shoes that either come in wide, or have two velcro straps rather than 1.  I figured out early on which brands and styles work for the big kid and I've just stuck to them.  Mostly ordering 10 pairs at a time from zappos. I keep what fits now or will work in the coming months, and return the rest, free of charge.  But this girl business is much more interesting. So many styles and colors and patterns and when they're so cute and small, how can a girl resist?  The little kid even helped me shop and was bummed that I didn't buy more.  I also bought her a few outfits when I was shopping for myself on-line. I'm co-chairing this big community event and we have to wear khakis for the day of.. and, well, I don't own any so I went on-line to buy some that I may actually wear again someday.   I found some cute ones at the Gap.  I couldn't help but click over to baby gap to check out the sales. Got a few hot deals.  So she now has 2 pairs of shoes, 5 outfits, 2 pairs of jammies, 2 dolls, a couple of candy machine necklaces, some artwork from her brothers, a thousand board books and some hand me down singamajigs.  Yay!  Fun stuff.  Fun stuff that takes my mind off the big stuff.  Yay again.  Actually, cheers!

Lastly, tonight I tried out the world's fancy danciest rice cooker. Whiz banger how do you do!  It's so awesome!!  My girlfriend gave it to me for my birthday.  Way better than a vacuum cleaner, I'll tell you that right now!  She stopped by yesterday with her little boy. A nice, pleasant surprise as she lives 2 hours away.  I read through the instruction booklet and figured out that my rice was prewashed so I used the measuring cup for prewashed rice, added the right amount of water and hit the menu button.  To start, it played twinkle twinkle little star.  Then it did its thing and about an hour later, ended with another melody that I recognize but can't quite put my finger on.  I opened it up and it makes the best rice ever!  But I suppose that's kind of the point, right.  As soon as the boys sat down to eat, the big kid said "Mom, I think you must be a sushi chef now because this rice tastes so perfect."  Yes, thanks to my new fancy, shmancy rice cooker.  I've now got 6 months to figure out how to make congee/porridge, which is what our little girl pretty much lives off of.  The whole reason my girlfriend got this rice cooker for me is so that I can master congee without really having to master it!  She explains that it's sort of like oatmeal, but made with rice. If the boys hadn't asked me at bedtime tonight if I'd make pancakes in the morning, I so would have been all over making congee!  Maybe Saturday!  So our little girl may have a lot of transitions to make, but hopefully with some good, traditional congee, it'll be one little taste of home that will help her through.  Thanks, friend!

A..D..D..

I am a total mess now.  You'd think it would have gotten better now that we have made our decision but it's sort of a mish mash now.  What the heck do I do next?  I'm still all jittery.  A mix of sleep deprivation & mental/emotional depletion with a sprinkle of nerve ending reconnection by way of emotional decision completion makes for a little anxiety and much excitement.  A foggy headed emotional hangover is about where I'm at now.  I'm spent and excited but trying to keep it at a minimum just in case something falls through.  Just from reading this, it's apparent, I have a bad case of A.D.D.!

Since posting on Saturday night that we're moving forward with a little cutie, I've been busy.  Most importantly I've been busy getting our ducks in a row.  In order for our agency to submit our on-line application directly to the CCWAA, we had to provide the following:

- Passport photo jpg ME
- Passport photo jpg PARKER
- Family photo jpg
- Letter of Intent (LOI)
- Family Info Sheet
- Homestudy

I got to work first thing yesterday morning to get everything emailed to our coordinator.  Mission accomplished save for one edit to the LOI which Parker made late last night.  Whew!  I sent in the next check covering a couple of fees on the long a$$ fee schedule.  Once our coordinator receives the check, she'll have everything she requires in order to submit our application.  I'm hoping she'll be able to send it in either tomorrow or Wednesday.  I heard through the yahoo group, however, that she is busy sending out LOAs (letters of authorization) so if she has her hands full with those right now, it may not happen until Wed/Thurs.  Side note - Our coordinator is sort of a one man show in our agency.  She does it all, from translations, to matching, to communicating with the CCWAA.  As you can imagine, she has to work on the most important/urgent matters first, not just a first in/first out type of communication.  I totally get it and I'm sure when we're next in line to travel I'll be glad she answers me immediately and makes the poor suckers waiting for their match wait... until then, we're kind of those suckers.

After our application gets sent in, we wait for our PA, or pre-approval.  The next steps are as follows:

PA: Pre-Approval. After submitting your LOI, you receive pre-approval from the CCCWA to adopt a specific child. Typically, you will receive your PA anywhere from 1 – 10 days after your LOI is submitted.

DTC: Dossier to China. This is a celebration day! You have finally collected all of the required paperwork. This is the date that your dossier is mailed to China.

LOA: Letter of Acceptance. This is the official approval from China to adopt your child. This comes after LID.

I just may be holding my breath until we get PA. After that, we'll feel confident enough to share more about our little girl, show you some pictures and.. ee gads.. let the boys in on it!  

Concurrently, we're gathering everything for our Dossier so that once we are granted I-800A approval, we will be ready to send our DTC.  We still haven't been advised of our fingerprint appointment from USCIS for this step of the I-800A so I'm assuming we're at least a month away from approval.  After we get approval, we'll have our Dossier documents ready.  Our agency will courier everything to the embassy in San Francisco where everything will be authenticated, then they'll translate and send to China (DTC).  All in all, we're looking at about 1-1 1/2 months for I-800A approval, 2+ months from DTC to LOA (letter of authorization to adopt our specific child) then another 2 months to apply and be granted a visa for her from USCIS with TA (travel authorization) shortly thereafter.  I think.  I will confirm all of these boring details as we get closer.  So many hoops to jump through. Seems if there's a loving home ready and waiting, they would make a carpool lane for us to zoom through .. it would be better for all, especially the little girl who now has a family that she won't get to meet for another grueling 6 months.  That's sooooo freaking long in the life of a child.  I am killing myself with thoughts of all the things we could do and accomplish in that time.. and all of the things we will miss in her life!

On a fun note - we're hoping to work with a 3rd party to get updated medical info, growth values, etc., and some new pictures.  It should be easy as they're supposed to help you out if your files are 9 months old and our files are close to, so by the time the request goes in, we're hopeful we'll get what we're asking. For $40. Silly.  If only they knew what we'd be willing to pay.

I can't seem to tear myself away from all the discussion groups.. I found one that's dedicated to special needs adoption just for the province where this little girl is at ... how wild!  And sometimes you can hook up with a family who is traveling months before you and they'll snap a pic of your kid while they're there picking up their kid.  Strange little adoption world!  Strange yet helpful and fascinating at the same time.  

I'm all over the place people.. and I don't expect it to get any better anytime soon. Once we get PA, I'll breathe a sigh of relief but I won't be able to calm down and accept it all until we get LOA.. so hold onto your hats, it's gonna be a long-winded ride.

Leap of faith

I've said it and/or heard it and/or read it countless times in the last week.  International adoption in and of itself requires a leap of faith but special needs international adoption ... well, it should be called more like a free fall of faith.  You lose your stomach as soon as you take the leap.  You aren't sure what's going to happen until you land.  And the ride down, well, it's pants pooping terrifying!

I don't think with special needs adoption (from China no less), that we will ever feel 100% confident with a based on paper only child.  1. We've never seen or watched her with our own eyes.  2. We've never had a kid with special needs and 3. Who the heck knows what gets lost or misinterpreted in the translation.  But are we comfortable enough, based on what we've learned so far?  Yes.  Do we think we can handle it?  Yes.  Are we in agreement on the potential risks?  Yes.  Are we totally prepared?  No. Hell no.  How can we be?  Are you ever totally prepared for what comes with a new child?  No.  You never know what is going to happen in early developmental stages, nor do you know how an additional child will impact your family dynamics. You just have to live it, to learn it.

I must have read a hundred China special needs adoption stories last night (other blogs) and while it scared the pants off of me, it also made me realize that you just plan for the worst and hope for the best, because in the end you don't really know what you're getting.  I read a whole blog about clefts.  Cleft lip, cleft palate.. multiple surgeries, some that "took," some that didn't.  Bone grafting stories, pain and agony, speech therapy.  One family was in the process of adopting a little girl with a heart defect, which is considered a minor special need.  A heart defect easily repaired in the US.  Just a month or so before they were to travel to get her, they got a call that tragically, she had died.  Another family brought home a nsn (non-special needs) little girl only to be shocked by the onset of seizures in the month or two after they were home.  I could go on and on but you get the picture.  We aren't adopting a healthy kid. Period.  We can't compare to anything we know.

We talked and talked last night until we were both emotionally spent.  While Parker was on the phone with our dear friend, looking for a little guidance, I burst into tears after reading all of the adoption stories.  The enormity of this decision hit me like a ton of bricks and I was facing fear in the face.  Fear like I've never known.  Making a decision to bring a child into your family, whom you've never met, and know that on paper, she may have some serious long-term medical issues, is scary.  It's unnatural!  I was so scared to say yes or no!  If I say yes, would I be the one swaying the vote and if I say no, am I turning my back on the girl who is meant to be our daughter?   Even though I was a little uncomfortable, would I be more or less comfortable with the next file that came our way?  I know we can do this and I know our family will be stronger and better for it.  But I am very scared of the unknown and even more scared of making a decision that could potentially have a negative impact on the family dynamic that we now enjoy.  Long term, we'll be fine. Short term it's sure to be a bit of a shit show.  Honestly.

I remember just before the birth of our second son I started to panic. How would our older son handle it. It had just been the 2 of us during the day all day, every day, for 2 years!  And then our easy, happy little threesome after Parker would get home from work and on the weekends. He was the center of our world. And we were just about to rock it by the addition of a baby.  What if he hates me?  What if I don't have time for him?  Will he think I don't love him?  How will this all work out?  In the end, my fears were for naught.  Sure we had our difficulties, power struggles and lots of lots of mommy guilt.  But now our older son has a best friend, a confidante, a shadow, that I cannot imagine him being without.  I am considering all of this as I look forward and hope the day comes, sooner, rather than later, that we look at our 3 kids and rest assured they are stronger and closer and better off because they have each other, because we took a leap of faith.

I guess what I've been trying to say with all of this rambling is that we're mid free fall right now.  We've taken a leap off the edge and into the unknown and are moving forward with adopting this little girl.  Unknowns, big risks and all.  Like Parker says, she's worth taking a chance for.  I've felt it in my heart from the moment I saw her but have been afraid to fully commit.  But committed we are!  She's not ours just yet.  There's the LOI (letter of intent) to write and then we have to receive PA (pre-approval) from the CCWA.  Both of which shouldn't be an issue, just standard procedure.  After that we'll move along the same paperwork path we're already on.  Waiting for I-800A approval and then sending our DTC (dossier to China).  We're hopeful this will all go as planned and we'll be traveling to pick up baby sister late summer.  I don't want to give too much away in case it doesn't work out, but she's a beautiful little 17 month old who loves to ride a plasma car during her activity time.  A girl after our own hearts!  The boys don't know about her just yet.  We are going to wait until we have the paperwork that grants us approval .. just to be safe!  Wrapping their little heads around adoption is tough enough so we need to make sure she's ours before we tell them about her.

I am going to sleep like a baby tonight!  Or rather like a happy, expectant mama!

Just deciding...

The long, exhausting wait is over.  I checked my phone about 10x last night.  Parker had to travel today and so of course we stayed up too late (11:30ish) since making a flight is easier to do tired than is showing up and actually having to work!  I slept restlessly until about 3:45 when I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally got up and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. I thought about just staying up but working to make my body go back to sleep is a lot easier than staying awake with nothing to do but think!  I nodded off again somewhere between 5:30 and 6am.  Little kid woke up early, around 6:30 and came in for a snuggle.  That warm little body helped me relax and I slept again until a few minutes after 7.  After the big kid woke up, we got up and started our day.  Checked my email a thousand more times in the next hour.  Managed to make breakfast and lunches and get the boys dressed and out the door on time.  Drop offs complete ... autopilot to Starbucks. I finally couldn't stand it anymore so before I went in to get my coffee, I sent a note to our coordinator asking her if she could please just let me know if anything came in.  She emailed me right back, while I was waiting for my coffee, and said to call her. What is up with that?  Why doesn't she ever just call me?

So I ran to my car to call her. There wasn't much of an update given.  We aren't surprised though as we didn't even know if we'd get anything!  We do think it's enough to help us make a sound decision.  We're waiting for the doctor's feedback, which may or may not be helpful.  Upon receipt of her thoughts, I think we're ready to make a decision tonight.  I say I think we are because I think I am and I know we have to so ...

I don't really know what Parker is thinking.  We texted back and forth quite a few times but didn't get to actually speak until he was at the airport getting ready to board his flight home.  Not a conversation you want to have on the phone.  I find it's easier for me to just not talk to him on the phone with this issue looming overhead.  I talk .. a lot .. too much .. too often .. so I can't even get started.  I'm saving it up for tonight's face to face.

Just waiting

It's been 11 long days since we met this little girl in photos and on paper.  I finally got a good night's sleep last night, comforted by knowing the information we're waiting on wouldn't be coming in at any moment, so I wouldn't need to wake up to check my email a few times a night.  t talked with our coordinator yesterday and we are getting an update, hallelujah, but not until the woman at the orphanage who can provide it, gets back from her trip on 3/9.  The good thing is that it's 3/9 in China as I type this.  YAY!  But I don't know if it means she'll be back in on 3/9 or that we'll get something on 3/9.  But I do know it will make for another restless night tonight if we don't get anything by the time we go to bed. Which I'm sure we won't because said woman has to return, write up the info, send it to the agency in China facilitating this, who will then send it to our agency, who then has to translate it... When will we actually get it?  Aye, aye, aye, I don't know, but I'm really hoping it's tomorrow.  Of course Parker is traveling tomorrow so just our luck we'll get the info while he's en route to his meeting and will be expected to make a quick decision.  If there's more medical stuff, I don't even know if they'll give us more time to have our doctors take a look.  If there isn't, I wonder if they will expect it immediately?  There are other families in line, ya know.  Weird to have to 1) make a decision about a kid and 2) be hurried because of other families breathing down your neck to get that kid that you may actually want!  Weird and awkward and nearly impossible.  If I haven't said it before, I'll say it now, being pregnant is so..much..easier.  I would rather be 42 weeks pregnant, peeing every hour, wheezing without even taking a step, not sleeping, popping tums like tic tacs with a head on my bladder a couple of feet in my ribs... AND CANKLES!  All that physical crap is nothing compared to this, especially when that baby comes out and you love him so much that it doesn't matter what his future may look like because he's yours and you love him and whatever will be, will be.  Well, that and this being my personal story. I'm sure many of you have horror pregnancy/child stories that top this but in my little bubble of rainbows and puppies, pregnancy was a breeze, pre-eclampsia and all and my kids are healthy.  There were no tough decisions to be made.  When I was pregnant with our little guy we didn't even do any of the non-required testing because it didn't matter.. we were having the baby no matter what.  And now we have to make a decision.

This may sound nuts but we totally underestimated how gut wrenching this would be.  We anticipated following the process, getting a referral, and accepting the referral.  We thought the hardest part would be deciding which special needs we would or would not accept.  But then I jumped the gun and looked at the kids our agency is placing and how could I not find one of those little faces to love?  So rather than checking special needs off of a list, we are now considering the needs of this particular little girl.  Like many things, when you put a face to it, it is much more meaningful.     

One of the things I find comfort in is that there are other families in line so if we do end up having to say no to this little girl, I hope one of them are able to take her.  I was so distraught at the thought of us saying no only for the other families to do the same for the same reason.  That reason being the big unknown, the what if, the worst case scenario.  But over the last few days, what I'm learning is that in the adoption world, there are all sorts of families.  All sorts of welcoming, loving, flexible, open families.  Some families are better equipped than others for this or that special need.  Some are able to adopt a 10 year old as if it's no big deal. I can't even imagine.  Language issues, hurry up and bond before she's off to college. My eyes have been opened to families on the same journey but who are taking different routes.  It's a unique way to build a family so there really isn't a right or wrong .. only what's right for us as a family.  What may be wrong for us may be the perfect fit for another family and vice versa.  We have the resources for a lot of things others may not. Not just financial resources, but consider where we live. We are a 15 minute from Oakland Children's Hospital and a 45 minute drive from Lucille Packard's Children's Hospital at Stanford.  Not to mention some of the top Pediatric Therapists, Neuropsychologists, you name it.  If you live in timbucktwo, there are a lot of medical conditions you can't take on because you simply cannot make a 2-6 hour drive for surgery, post-op appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc.  So I hate hearing "oh blah, blah, you'll get the right little girl."  Suck it!  Kind of like telling a woman who is battling her ovaries "don't worry, it will happen."  So stupid and insensitive.  BUT!  I do believe we will FIND the right little girl for us. She won't just be dropped on top of us like magical air mail from China.  (Dag nabbit.)  Instead, we will find her through hard work, soul searching, honest communication and top notch medical advice.  

Cheers!  Hitting the ambien, I mean chardonnay. 

Holding my breath

We talked a lot last night after I wrote my last post.  As much as we know this may end with us still searching for baby sister, we're both still holding out hope that this little girl is her.

I am trying to be patient but the suspense and the unknown is killing me!  So I broke down and emailed our coordinator this morning.  I asked if she could at least let me know if she's heard anything at all or if something is in the process, anything.  As I drove down the road after dropping the big kid at school an email came in from her. I pulled over and almost hopped the curb, which would have been minor to most vehicles but could have totaled mine.  Should have hopped it...

Email said to call her.  So I called Parker and started to panic. He said just go home and let's both call and he told me how to do it on my iPhone. I'm turning into such an old fogey that I now need help figuring out my own darn phone.  Next on the list after getting a kid is catching back up on technology.  Jeez.  So I ran in, turned on Franklin and Friends for the little guy then flew into the office to make the call. I called Parker first then the agency. I was so excited to hear what she had to say that I just let her start talking without saying Parker was on.

It turns out no news is good news.  We made our request for more information on March 1.  The same day, it just so happens, that the CCCWA changed the rules for providing updates.  She called and talked to them and they agreed to be flexible.  But then another complication arose in that the person providing the updates is traveling on a train to a conference or something.  So the good news is that we are going to get an update and hopefully very soon.  There's pressure too, however, as other families are hounding the coordinator for this girl and complaining that we've had the file for over 72 hours.  But it's not as if we're twiddling our thumbs and taking our sweet time .. we're asking the same questions they will want answers to .. so we have to be given a little more time.  She said a couple or a few more days.  Hopefully within this time we'll have enough information to make a good decision.

Maybe she's not baby sister

I've gone from ecstatic to optimistic to hopeful to doubtful to fearful to pessimistic.  We haven't gotten any updates. Maybe they're working on them... maybe they're somewhere being translated... or maybe they aren't coming at all.  And unfortunately if we don't get any additional information or the answers to even the simplest of the questions, we won't be able to take the leap of faith to move forward with the adoption.

I'm thankful that every time my emotions spiral out of control that my husband is a male who is, by default, rational.  I'm also thankful for kind, wise and generous friends.  Without these things, I'm not sure I would have what I need to get comfortable with any decision, let alone the one that will leave me deeply saddened.  Parker is a facts and numbers guy and he has laid out his thoughts methodically and rationally.  At the end of our discussion about this little girl on Thursday night we thought it sure would be great if we had some help or advice that wasn't just on paper.  We decided to call in the help of a dear friend and mentor.  He's on vacation so Parker sent him a quick email.  We heard back the next day.  Long story short, I checked my email at 5am this morning (hoping for an update from our agency) and there was an email from a world renowned doctor from Europe who was kind enough to take a look at the little girl's file at the request of our friend.  Amazing.

The one thing we're feeling good about is that the advice we're getting is consistent.  Same risk factors, same potential issues that may or may not present in the future.  Consistent, yet unbelievably depressing.

Last night I re-read the files again as well as the pages of notes I scribbled during our conference call with the doctor to review her report.  I've mentioned before that the doctor said this little girl is doing amazingly well. She also said there isn't anything in the medical report that is terribly alarming.  Both fairly positive.  BUT, the one big issue this little girl has could have been caused, or is a symptom of, a number of different things OR it could be self limiting OR it could just be something she was born with and is part of her anatomy.  In order to come to some conclusions, we have to isolate each of the causes or symptoms on their own and think about it from the perspective of okay if this is the cause/symptom then the worst case scenario is "x" and just go down the list to make sure we talk through each of them.  There is only 1 of 8+ potentials that is scary.  So last night I told Parker this is insane. We're looking at it from the perspective of the worst possible cause and the worst possible outcome. It's almost ridiculous to even think the odds could play out that way. But they absolutely can. And if they did, we probably wouldn't know it until she starts school or even later in high school.

Because she's doing so well now, I really don't foresee in my heart of hearts that she's just going to take a nosedive.  But she very well may peter out at some point.  Or she may keep developing normally but have something else go haywire in her brain. It could impact her mood, her relationships, her temper, her ability to hold down a job.  These are big issues but really just the tip of the iceberg as the stalling out of development would be an even worse outcome.

Bottom line is that we'll be able to make the best decision with the addition or absence of additional information.  We really don't need much more to sway us, but if we don't get anything, we can't rightfully agree to move forward.  There's too much risk and we can only do it if we both agree it's the right decision. Parker doesn't want me to be disappointed that he's not comfortable moving forward given the risk factors that we've been told time and time again.  And I won't be able to live with the guilt of putting this on our family should the worst of the scenarios play out in the coming years.  Thankfully, thankfully we are able to talk through all of this.  Almost too well. I can't even think straight right now,  I'm so overwhelmed playing out the scenarios in my head, checking my email every 2 seconds, switching the subject of any and every conversation we've had in the last week back to this girl without even intending to.  My mind is stuck and I am looking forward to becoming unstuck.

A nice distraction

There was one good thing about turning 39 yesterday:  It was a distraction.

We made plans to go to dinner in the city on Friday night.  I pampered myself with a pedicure and manicure while the boys were at school.  I tried that new fangled shellac polish and me loves!!  I don't ever do my nails unless there's a special because I always nick, smudge or chip them within a day or so.  But this shellac is totally awesome.  My nails are still perfect and shiny and should stay this way for another 2 weeks.  Fancy me.  After my  nail appointment, I picked up the little guy from preschool at Noon. We came home and I rushed around getting the house and ourselves ready. I'm admittedly a little crazy when it comes to cleanliness and organization.  I can't relax at night if everything isn't picked up and put away.  Or if there are splatters on the mirror from the boys messy teeth brushing. I know, I'm nuts. I  had just cleaned on Thursday morning.  Part of my coping mechanism while waiting for the call with the doctor.  Usually  I bake when I'm stressed (i.e. the two cubes of butter I put out first thing that morning in anticipation) ... but that morning I decided cleaning would be a better idea anticipating the culinary indulgences coming my way in Friday and Saturday.  So thankfully the cleaning/tidying didn't take long.  I then put the little guy in the shower while I threw a few things in a bag.  I heard him whimpering.  I walked in to check on him and he was standing in the shower, shivering.  Poor kid. I suppose it was better than burning him with scalding water!  I adjusted the water temp and ran back to finish packing.  I'm not sure how, but I put him in the shower at 12:52 and we miraculously made it to the big kid's school for his 1:02 pick up.  Now here's where it gets a little embarrassing.  Not wanting to stop, or lose time, I decided to go through the Taco Bell drive thru for lunch.  Whatever.  Don't judge. I know, Tbell is probably the worst of the worst, but it's easy.  And cheap. And one of only two options we have out here in the sticks.  They don't eat fast food but maybe once a month and even then, they talk me into it because they see some stupid toy on TV that they're giving away.  And while I'm at it, I was so ticked off the last time I took them to McDonald's.  What the heck is up with fries now being included? Some stupid tag line about now all happy meals come WITH FRIES!  What the heck people.  I don't want them to have the fries. They were just fine with the apples and didn't even realize they weren't GETTING fries.  So now they get a stupid little carton of fries and 4 freaking apple slices.  What's next?  Now all happy meals come with COKE!  And we wonder why we're so darn fat....  But the good thing is that they don't like the food enough to want to go unless there's a compelling toy giveaway so I don't have to get all ranty too often.  That's one great thing about city life in San Francisco. No chains.  No fast food.  Bring on the sushi or tzatziki. So back to my less than stellar mommy moment. Taco Bell in the car for lunch. It was a calculated move.  They get a cheese rollup.  Easy, no mess and no complaints. Cheese. Tortilla.  Done.  BUT!  They also got a drink.  Not usually an issue unless you're 3 1/2 and can't control your impulses.  Off comes the lid and splash.. all over the car and big kid's book bag.  Splashing, screaming, tears, kicking.  All while I'm trying to merge into the funnel of the Caldecott Tunnel. I had to actually pull over. It's a good thing because the book bag (which is a really cool program and the bags belong to the school...) was soaked. Big kid is freaking out because his teacher is going to be "SO MAD!" I agree, she probably will be, but I'll do a number on that lemonade with my baby wipes and maybe, just maybe she won't notice!  I also did a naughty thing.  I was so mad at the little guy that I took the piece of junk "watch" that came with their meal and flung it out, over the top of the car and into the bushes alongside the road.  I littered. Better than swearing at him.  There was some comfort in that moment of breaking the law to prove a point. Don't mess with mommy on her way into the city to celebrate her gosh darned birthday!

On the road again.  Impulse control repair in the way of a nap came within moments of putting the car back in drive.  Made into the city in 20 minutes and all was right in the world. We were staying the night in our old neighborhood at a kitschy little motor inn.  Straight from the 60's but updated with a cuban flair.  Not fancy but perfect.  We parked on the street and let the little guy sleep it off for a few. Big kid was happy as all getout getting in a little angry birds action. After the little guy woke up we pulled into the hotel and got checked in.  While I parked the car the guest service dude that checked us in chatted with the boys by the pool and gave them each a pair of knock off ray ban's with black lenses and bright orange arms stamped with the hotel's name.  Pretty cool.  Our room was perfect.  One big room with a queen bed, bathroom and little fridge and sink.  The boys' room was tiny but they looooved it.  Full of toys and books and puzzles.  Dog butt hooks on the wall.  Starry night lamp on the wall and a big leaf canopy over the twin and trundle beds.

Parker showed up not long after we checked in. He was in rough shape after a long week that involved traveling and an annual sales meeting and team building session with his new coworkers.  He took a nap while the boys watched some tube and mommy went shopping. I'm not a shopper.  I hate it. Unless it's Target or Costco.  I think it's a waste of time and I hate spending money like that.  But our old neighborhood has a few of those unique boutiques where you're sure to find something every time you go... so I went. And I found a super cute blouse which I wore out that night, a summer dress and a cute top to dress up my uber casual suburban weekday wardrobe.  All in about 20 minutes flat.  Would have been done sooner but I chatted with the owner for a few.  And whaddya know part of my bday present was a gift certificate to the same place so I'll get to hit it up again in the coming months!

We got all fancied up for dinner.  We went to Slanted Door.  If you aren't from here, I'll tell you it's probably the best Asian restaurant in the city.  Vietnamese to be exact.  It also helps that it's now located in the ferry building, along the backside, with views of the water. I haven't been in years and get so tired of Parker casually mentioning he had Slanted Door for lunch.  Sucks to be him.  Not.  Anyway, we were there with the early crowd (but lots of super "happy" happy hourers...) so it was still light out and we got to enjoy the view of the water and the bridge. Even as it got dark out, the boys were delighted when the ferries pulled in or out, all lit up for evening travel across the bay.  Our dinner was so darn good!  We totally pigged out. I think our waitress thought we were nuts ordering too much food. Little did she know what gluttons we all are.  Spareribs, springrolls, shaking beef, rib eye, cellophane noodles with crab (which you can get take out from Out the Door in pac heights!!) and the most exciting part of the meal, dessert. The biggest, airiest cloud of cotton candy I've ever seen. Much to the boys' delight!  Lychee cotton candy. Yummo. I liked it better than the caramel profiteroles Parker and I ordered to share.  A perfect, perfect meal.

After dinner, we walked down to the Wine Merchant, one of the last men standing in a hall of shops closing for the night.  We got a few bottles of wine and left the building.  It couldn't have been a better night.  Warm, light breeze, great meal, well behaved kids, shiny nails, new blouse.  Headed back to the hotel.

Got the boys off to bed just as some good friends stopped by.  One couple has an almost 1 year old. The other couple is expecting. So of course they still live in the neighborhood. Lucky dogs.  Our room was perfect for its purpose of sleeping in for one night but we must have looked a sight all packed in.. 2 on the bed, 2 in wicker chairs and 2 on toddler chairs (from the kids room!).  We had some wine and lots of laughs.  Talked about babies, childbirth, preschools, the suburbs, SUVs with 3rd rows, you know, all sorts of cool, hipster talk. Or rather, lots of practical, parent talk.  But that's where we're at now. We can have just as much fun talking about that stuff as we can anything else, because when you do it over glasses of wine, it makes it more interesting. Especially with one gregarious guy with the initials T.K. in the house. Good times.  Best laugh of the night... hmm.... a tie between the dad of the almost 1 year old saying his little girl is "dead inside" because she doesn't laugh often or smile easily.  As I write that I realize it may not sound as funny when you're reading it, but trust me, saying with a deadpan face that your kid is dead inside is FUNNY people. It's sort of a joke. Sort of.  Okay the other laugh is our good friend, who is pregnant, is a teensy bit paranoid.  She wasn't feeling that great.  So she wen't to her OB and OB said she is fine and should just go to her regular doctor. So she goes to the regular doctor and tells him what's going on and could he take a look at the spots on her throat.  He said sure and as he took a look, he said "Those are your taste buds."

They also asked how it is going with the adoption. We glazed over it a bit but my canned answer is that it's really hard to have to make a decision. I also made the mistake in showing them a few pictures that I have on my phone of the little girl.  Mistake meaning each time I share her, I feel more like she's becoming a part of us already.  I'm sure they didn't think she's as cute as I think she is and I'm sure seeing her big head and tattered clothes were a little off putting to them as new and to be parents, but I love looking at that sweet little face.  So don't ask me about her in person or I'm sure to pull out my phone and share her with you.

After they left, Parker walked out and got us some slices of pizza.  Another city life perk.  Hot slices of pizza at 11pm.  Gluttony at its finest.  We also talked about the elephant in the room.  We both agree that there are plenty of reasons to move forward and a few good reasons not to. Over the last few days I've talked myself into it only to talk myself right back out of it. I'm playing ping pong in my head. It's excruciating.  We decided to just wait and see what, if any, new information we can get. Even if it's just a simple set of recent growth values. If we can just get updated confirmation that she's doing as well as she appears to be we'll feel a lot better about taking a huge leap of faith. So that's where we left it.

We got up Saturday morning and went to our old street for breakfast. I had something I really wanted in mind but the boys are totally nuts for the pancakes at one of the crappier places so we went with that. I'd rather them be excited about it anyway.  We then hit up the neighborhood Starbucks. The manager still remembers me and my drink. Asked how life in the burbs is and I said boring but great!  He laughed and nodded and said he's ridden his bike through our town.  Then we hit up the greasy, dirty doughnut shop.  Sadly the guy behind the counter with the biggest, most distractingly hairy mole you've ever seen wasn't there.  He and his wife are always so happy to see the boys but we used to go during the week so I wasn't surprised they weren't there on a busy Saturday morning.  Next to the last stop was the book store.  Oh how I miss that store. The best books I've ever read come from their recommendations.  A locals kind of place.  If I never step foot in a Barnes and Noble again, I'll be a happy girl.  The boys went totally crazy picking out books. We don't spoil our kids. Well, I'm sure to some they seem to be, but in perspective for where we live, we do not spoil our kids.  I will buy them book after book after book before I buy them a single toy.  Toys are earned or given to them as gifts from others.  The book store had a huge Dr. Seuss display given his birthday was on Friday.  There were Seuss books I'd never seen before and we already have a huge collection. Well needless to say, I think we now own them all.  I picked out a book for myself that joined the stack of 3 on my nightstand begging to be read. Maybe someday my friends.  Someday soon I hope.  Someday when I am not googling this or that disability or prognosis or complication in the hours after Parker goes to sleep at night.

Last stop was to pick out cupcakes at my favorite cupcake shop, Kara's Cupcakes.  I hate that cupcakes have become so trendy. This was the first in SF.  It opened in 2005 on the cusp of cupcakes popularity explosion.  Many imitators later, it's still the best.  We picked out a nice selection and headed home to celebrate.  Parker had covered my gifts in white butcher paper and had the boys decorate it with words and shapes and stamps.  Adorable.  They got me an iRobot Roomba which is charging as we speak and will be great for my cleaning OCD.  They also got me a guidebook to China.  It's fascinating.  Broken down by province and includes where to stay, where to eat, what to do, how to survive, weather, customs, you name it.  I love it and can't wait to put it to practical use.

Big kid had his last indoor soccer game yesterday so we made it to that.  The games are at his elementary school.  After the games, all the kids and families head to the playground where the kids play and the parents chit chat.  I was chatting with one of our new friends while Parker chatted with a dad he'll be coaching tee ball with. Every time I looked over I thought he may collapse in narcoleptic heap.  Not because he was bored or disinterested.  Because we added on another late night after his crazy week and then we had been running around all day and the emotions of this whole decision are downright exhausting on their own.  Thankfully he made it through and stayed vertical.

Then last night we went out again!  But sans kids.  It was a PTA parent party for big kid's school.  The country club here just finished construction of a huge new clubhouse. The party was there.  The entertainment was this local legend, Diamond Dave.  He does this sort of karaoke/DJ kind of thing.  Plays all sorts of hits from LMFAO to Rick Springfield.  He sings and he sings really well.  He also jams along on a keyboard or drum.  But the odd thing is that he's probably 60 years old and totally clean cut.  It is just the weirdest thing ever and impossible to reconcile what you're hearing with what you're seeing.  But it's a super fun combo and you can't help but dance.  And dance we did.  Till my feet hurt!  Parker's words "Moraga just got way cooler."  Needless to say he very much appreciated seeing people drinking and dancing and gettin' crazy!  After partying all night, we came home at the ripe old hour of 10:30.  We tried to call for pizza delivery but guess what folks, they close at 10pm. 10 o'clock, seriously?  In a college town?  Totally blows. So Parker ran to the store for a frozen pizza.  A couple slices later and a sip of wine, and that's all she wrote.  Happy birthday to me.

We had a great, fun-filled perfectly timed weekend.  We all needed it. The boys don't know what's going on but I'm sure they have sensed the distraction.  And Parker and I needed to let loose a little.  Too much tension.  But then I woke up today with my first thought being okay the fun's over, get back to business. Checked my phone, which I strategically left on my nightstand (alongside the stack of books waiting to be read), and no update from the agency. Today is Monday in China so I'm hoping, hoping we hear something.  I'm afraid the likelihood of getting any new info is going to diminish with each passing day.  But we'll see.  Remaining hopeful.

We need more time

That about sums it up.  Making a  decision of this magnitude is almost too hard.  If we were pregnant and presented the exact same set of circumstances, we would have no choice.  We would take it all in. Hope for the best.  And deal with whatever happens, when it happened.  But we don't get that privilege. We have to make a decision. And soon.  We've asked our agency for more time, which they were happy to give to us. On top of getting a boatload of info to process from the doctor today, we also need to talk about this face to face.  Which couldn't have happened today or tonight because of Parker's work obligations.  We also need some questions answered.

The call with the doctor went really well. She was candid but understanding and reasonably warm.  The most difficult part of this whole process is the lack of information.  We're going off of one set of values taken when this little girl was 9 months old. She is now 17 months old.  And there is a whole lot that happened between her "intake" date at just over 2 pounds and a day or to old, to the miraculous catching up she's done to date.  It all sounds too good to be true. And that may well be the case. She may be a miracle baby, much like I was.  A refresher, I was a few months premature, 2 pounds 9oz, supposedly had hydrocephalus and was developmentally delayed.  I didn't have a single hiccup as a child. Perfectly.  Healthy.  I'm not naive enough to think that's the case here. But at the same time, that's kind of what it seems like.

On the flip side, however, there is one HUGE unknown about this little girl.  There is one glitch that's big enough that if the worst case scenario panned out, she wouldn't be able to become a productive, self sufficient adult.  Like Parker said, I can be proud of a Starbucks Barista, but we really have to think long and hard about an adult who cannot take care of herself, etc.  No offense to Baristas out there.  Point being, we don't need baby sister to go to Harvard or win a Nobel prize, but we do want her to become a productive member of society.  The odds here are a shot in the dark.  Best guess is that it's 25% chance.  But again, that's with how little info we have. Maybe we could whack these odds in half if just knew a little more of her story. And the doctor also pointed out that there really wouldn't be anything that could get us as low as 5% given her challenging beginning.  But even if the odds are what they are, there's still a 75% chance she will be fine.

25%.  Haunting, double digit risk factor.  Is it worth it?  Can we get better than that?  Can we get something different?  We have absolutely no freaking idea.

Since the call I've talked myself into wanting to move forward only to then find as many reasons to talk myself out of it.  I'm not sure how we are going to make this decision. Perhaps the answers to the questions we asked will help. Our doctor came up with the most important questions to seek answers for.  There is little chance we'll get answers to them all, but if we can get a few more tidbits of info, it will lessen the fog of mystery and help us come to some sort of conclusion.

I am definitely one to take an emotional risk.  Thankfully Parker's approach provides a balance.  He is a fact finder and verifier and a number cruncher.  And he's a dude. He's emotional to a point but his rationale wins out time after time after time.  If it was just me, I would say yes, absolutely, I want to be her mother.  But I can't do that.  We can't do that.  We have to think about everyone.. short term and long term.

This is where that damn list comes into play.  If we had just filled it out and agreed to it, we probably wouldn't be considering this little girl.  Why? Because while she doesn't present with any major issues, the one she has would impact her emotionally and mentally.  We talked earlier on that we would rather have a physical issue than a mental one.  And now look... here we are at a crossroads because we haven't filled out that damn form.  But like I told Parker on the phone today I don't want to just make a decision now based off of what we thought we wanted versus what is in front of us now.  We owe it to ourselves and to this little girl to dig deeper.  Dig deeper within ourselves and dig deeper medically and historically to make sure we are making the right decision.  So that's what we're doing. The excavation has begun.  I'm hopeful we'll uncover some useful facts, but overwhelmingly stressed that we won't.

Still cautiously hopeful.