Big kid - I think about how ridiculously nervous I was. I wasn't nervous to be a parent. The idea of a baby didn't scare me at all. But you know what did? Poop! Yep, poop. Not baby poop. Adult poop. My adult poop to be specific. Gross, I know. Hence the reason the simple thought of it nearly paralyzed me! I am very modest. I don't, and won't, go to the bathroom in front of my husband. I know many of you are rolling your eyes now and thinking that I'm a total prude, and that's just fine. I'm not a prude. I just have limits people. And pooping is one of them. I will never knowingly or intentionally poop in front of my husband. Or anyone else for that matter! I was so scared of pooping during labor that I made my husband take a vow of secrecy regarding the matter. I also knew that I had to have an epidural. Not just for pain control, but also so that I wouldn't know if it happened. I really cringe just thinking about it. So that's what I was worried about going into labor. Ridiculous! My due date came and went and no baby. No sign of a baby. 41 weeks and still no baby. Decided to get induced on June 4th so as to avoid the dreaded 6/6/6 baby. Got induced the 4th, but no baby. June 5th rolls through and still no baby. 30 some hours and a few hours of pushing later and still, no freaking baby. Issue + issue + issue + issue = emergency C-section. And a few minutes later.. A BABY! A quiet (well, choked so as to not cry) baby who came out peeing. Me and my potty issues and I get a kid who comes out taking a whiz! Better than a poopski! I can still hear his first cries and remember what it felt like to hold his little jelly body. I remember the way he snorted like a piglet rooting around for his breakfast and lunch and dinner at the moomoo diner which was open twenty four hours a day. I remember writing down which breast he nursed on and for how long. I tallied poops and pees but I couldn't tell you if I did or did not shower that day, nor could I even recall if I'd eaten anything. But I didn't care because I was in love. As in love as I've ever been. Not just with a sweet bundle of baby boy who wanted nothing more than to be with his mama all day and every day, but also with my husband. It was amazing to look at him and think wow, we made this. You and me! We did this. It was shocking that we could have made something so perfect. I was also in awe of how I just fell in love with my husband all over again. He held our little baby so gently, and talked to him so sweetly that I could literally feel the tenderness. A tenderness that one only knows in the sweet nurturing new parent moments. Little guy - Welcoming him into the world was such a cinch in comparison to the big kid who, if he had his way, may very well be in my womb right now! I had pre-eclampsia so I had to deliver him early. But let me tell you this .. while c-sections may totally blow .. a scheduled c-section is delightful! I checked into the hospital, got changed and waited for my nurses to get it rollin'. I had a head nurse and a student nurse. Thank goodness I'm not having any more bio kids or I surely would be more afraid of student nurse IV and student nurse netherlands shaving than I would be of public pooing! Those few painful and embarrassing moments aside the process was almost enjoyable. Enjoyable compared to the torment that was the long, 3 day welcome we gave our big kid. About 2 hours after checking into the hospital I was in the OR waiting for my surgical team. It's funny that during my first c-section I was so out of it that I didn't remember the details. This time around, however, I was painfully uncomfortable thanks to the student nurse shave job + lack of gown + lying on a skinny, metal operating table while listening to the surgical assistant counting, counting, counting. But thanks to her counting, there were no random objects left inside my sliced open, pulled out and put back together abdomen. Thankfully the birthing process went pretty quickly. Our little guy was born about 15 minutes after the surgery began. I got to hear his first, instinctual cries (thanks for not using the choke hold doc!) and marvel at the call out of his weight. 7 pounds, 7.7 ounces. (after having a 6/6/6 baby first go around). About 45 minutes later I was nursing him in recovery, rather than actually recovering as I had to do when the big kid was born. I felt at ease, at peace and blubbering over how in love I was. (with a c-section you not only get an epidural but a really nice little loopy IV cocktail) I had long worried about how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved our big kid. What a dumb thing that was to worry about. Almost as stupid as worrying about pooping in front of my husband! Love isn't about making choices about how to feel .. it just takes over! It really does. I loved our little guy so much that I didn't want to let him go. The recovery nurse had to ask me a few times over the course of 45 minutes to take him away for his shots, bath, etc. Whatever it is they do with newborns that only my husband knows since I was laid up in bed both rounds.
Macey - Early on. Pfft. What am I saying? Let me rephrase: A month or two ago, I worried what it would be like to "meet" our daughter rather than give birth and have that instant connection, instant bond. But I get that time now. I get to think about her and develop love for her now much as I did with the baby boys in my belly. I can feel my love growing. I can also see the love my boys have for her. It's unbelievable. We don't even have to bring her up or remind them to consider her. She's as natural to them as their sister as she is to us as our daughter. I was proud, and caught off guard, the other day when I was picking up Parker's truck from the dealership and they service advisor asked our little guy if he had brothers or sisters. He replied "Uh huh." The guy prodded him a little more:
Do you have an older sister?
No, a baby sister.
Do you have a brother?
Yes, a big brother.
How old is your brother?
He's 5.
How old is your sister?
She'll be 2.
Heart. Melting. Moment. From the most unlikely character. And he's right. She will be 2 on her next birthday. I can't wait to celebrate with her. If not her 2nd, then her 3rd and 4th and 5th, all the while reflecting on the moment I first saw her picture. Or the long, painful, emotional discussions that lead us to accept her file. The joy and relief I felt when reading the 25th and final page in the Oakland Children's Hospital doctor's review/report on her file. The leap of faith we took when we finally wrote our Letter of Intent. They may not be the same physical memories of giving birth to bio kids but like I said earlier, love isn't about choices or effort .. it just takes over. I'm very thankful today for the love of my husband, my two boys and my little girl.
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