Made it to Sacramento and back in record time. I had this whole crazy a$$ time budget only to blow it before I even made it out of town. And this is why - you know those people that each and every freaking time you run into them, they totally time burglar you? Well, I got time burgled alright. Now, don't get me wrong, the woman I talked to for 30 minutes is super nice and we had a great conversation, but why, oh why did I have to run into her today of all days? Sheesh. She moved out here about the same time we did and we both have younger kids at the same preschool. Her older kids go to one of the other elementary school's here in town (not the school our big kid is at). Most of our conversation was regarding how thankful she and the rest of the parents and kids are that their kid hating principal is leaving at the end of the year. I couldn't tear myself away from the conversation because some of the stuff she was telling me about the principal... whoooeee... juicy! I finally had to put an end to it and tell her I would love to get coffee sometime. I actually would like to, just when I have time carved out because when we get together the clock is on fast forward. The funny thing is that I'm sure she thinks the same thing about me. She probably sees me at Safeway and turns to run down the aisle to avoid the inevitable 30 minute conversation in which I won't shut the heck up. Some people just click like that. Ha!I was planning to be on the road at 9:30 but instead didn't get going until about 9:55. Thankfully the one thing my car is good at is keeping me on track with time and traffic. I push it to 80, my arrival time shortens by 5 minutes, I see a traffic alert, I swap routes. Somehow, the little car that actually could, got me there and parked by 11:00. On the way up I started freaking out thinking I had forgotten something so I took about 10 minutes to review all the documents and make sure everything was in order. Remember yesterday's post about me being totally nutty - yep, review and redo, rinse and repeat. It's impossible not to be totally obsessive when it comes to this stuff. I would never forgive myself if I made a mistake that cost us even a day, let alone a week or a month. Of course, I had everything, and they were all in order, so I took a deep breath and put on some makeup. I threw my makeup into my bag and thought that maybe I would want to put some on. I feel less official without it. As if I'm some fraudulent mother wanna be .. so I put on my face and all of the sudden I look the part? Whackadoodle! But after checking the docs for the umpteenth time and putting on a little mascara and lipgloss I was set and ready to tackle the second to the last hurdle in the race to Macey.
I parked a couple of blocks away so I had time to deeply breathe out the anxiety that was threatening to close my throat. It's not messing around! Go away already, I've GOT THIS! I managed to walk and breathe it out by the time I got there. Parker and I talked about it tonight. I'm not an anxious person. Shit doesn't get to me, but this does. His thoughts are that if we sit and think about what we're doing right now and then wonder what Macey is doing, that the thoughts will kill us. He said, and I agree, that we kind of have to avoid those thoughts and not let her be a "real" person until we get closer because it's too much. I have a very heavy heart right now because as exciting as it is to be one step from being done with the paperwork, it's tough to be at a point that I will no longer be able to busy myself with it. As much of a pain in the ass as the paperwork is, it helped to fill the void in my thoughts that would otherwise be focused on our little mei mei .. and how much good we could do to help her heal and grow in the next 5 months versus the lousy care she'll get instead in her institution. Nobody said this process would be easy, but now that we have a little girl to think about, it's downright gut wrenching. Our boys are sleeping peacefully right now. They're wearing clean pajamas and sleeping in comfy, new beds. When they wake up, they'll run into our room for our morning snuggle. Then I'll cook them breakfast (I'm very much type A. I make breakfast. And lunch. And crafts. I'm bat$hit crazy and I'm proud of it!). I could kill myself with each guilty thought. Macey is a part of our family so it's overwhelming to think of her life right now, versus ours. The time burglar from Starbucks asked me "So, what are the conditions like over there?" And I think that one little question penetrated my heart and sank in. I'm going to fish it out and bury it if I can! Is it terrible to try to avoid that thought as much as possible? Perhaps. But it's self preservation. I have to keep focused and not let the emotions overwhelm me. Try as they may. 
China consulate in the morning with my smily little guy. Wish me luck!! Next stop DTC.
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