Monday, January 16, 2012

and the chatter begins


This photo is of the drawer in baby sister's room where we're gathering things for her.

We hadn't intended to talk to the boys in any sort of detail about our adoption plans until we got to a point that the timing was such that they could really get it.  They're little kids and they don't get that we're starting the adoption prooocessss.  This is how they think - Little guy asks about once a week "Are we going to China this day to pick up our baby sister?"  But we had to start talking to them about it before our first social worker visit.  We had mentioned it to them before and kind of asked them what they would think if we got a baby sister.  One of the best conversations I  had with the older one came after watching Despicable Me on Pizza/Movie night (that's our Friday thang).  Yes, it's a little ridiculous that a movie helped drive the message home, but hey, it was a total coincidence.  I'll spare you the details, but at the end of the night, I'm giving the older kid a snuggle before leaving the room.  Parker was traveling for work.  We're lying there talking and he says "Mommy, can you see how big my smile is?"  I replied "Yes, honey, I can. That's a pretty big smile."  He said "Mommy, it's because I'm so, so excited to have a baby sister.  I wish we could get her tomorrow."  My eyes welled up and I knew that we were doing the right thing for our family.  Later that night I called Parker and told him about the conversations.  I think he thought I was full of shit.

At this point a few people knew about our plans.  But over the next week, or so, the cat was out of the bag in a very public way.  Little guy told his preschool teacher and then at big kid's soccer practice, little guy was sitting in my lap. I was sitting shoulder to shoulder with a friend who is also older kid's good buddy's mom.  Little guy says to me "Mommy, when are we going to China to pick up our baby sister?"  I couldn't say "Shut up blabbermouth!" So I just calmly replied that it would be in a very long time and wouldn't be until the summer, after their birthdays.  Friend on the right looks at me curiously with one eyebrow up.  And so it begins.  I told her that we were in the process of adopting and talked a little about where we were in the process.  Then a bunch of the other mothers ears pricked up and next thing I know I'm telling people I don't even really know about it.  Remember earlier me mentioning I talk too much?  Well, this was another great example.  But what was I to do?  I can't be selective about only telling our inner circle, versus new friends who I know we'll be dear ones over time, versus well meaning acquaintances.  If I was pregnant, everyone who saw me would know so why should this be any different?

The difference, however, is that we don't yet know who baby sister will be.  We also don't have ultimate control over the timing.  But regardless, the chatter begins ... on the soccer field "So, have you heard anything?"  In the produce section at Safeway "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, what's going on with your adoption?"  At school pick up or drop off "Any news on the, you know?" You all are just plain interested, I know.  It's a different way of becoming a parent and the process is fascinating from the outside.  We get the normal questions about the process but we also get the questions we aren't yet prepared to answer or ready to share, because it feels, well, a little premature.  Or maybe even inappropriate.  Not on the part of the asker, but on our part, as the answerer, as parents of a special needs child.  Questions about how we're going to do her room, or what her name will be.  Sure amongst ourselves we're tossing around some ideas, but we also have to balance the more important questions like where will we take her for medical treatment because that, we know for sure, will be necessary. Who are the best pediatric surgeons?  And who will we choose for therapy?  Or rather therapists. There may be one or all of occupational, speech, physical, or social skills therapy.  Shoot, we may all need therapy if this doesn't go as well as we're hoping.  If baby sister has attachment disorder, which is a real possibility, we may all need some help getting through this.

But it's not all that serious either.  We do enjoy talking about it and thinking about it and heck, writing about it!  And ask away, as I'll always do my best to give a straight, honest answer.  But if it seems like maybe I haven't thought something through because my answer is vague and/or incomplete, it may be because either I haven't, or that I feel uncomfortable talking about the frou frou details when it seems like my responsibility is to answer the more important/big picture questions first.  Trust me, I would love to get together for coffee and talk about decor ideas for baby sister's room. Especially after having far too much navy blue and red and enough with the jeans and t-shirts already. Tell me the best places to buy little girl clothes and hair clips and dolls.  I am not a girly girl, but I am truly excited about those things.  I just feel like before I can allow myself to do/talk about the fun stuff, I have to get through the tough stuff.  Especially since we haven't even nailed down the special needs we are willing to consider.  There is actually a document we have to fill out. It lists all of the special needs and then a space to check under the yes column, the no column, or the maybe column.  A list we find so intimidating and so depressing to look at that we have yet to fill it out.  We have looked at it and we have talked about it but every time we both just sort of grimace and get saddened by the fact that for every line we check no to, we're saying no to a child who is just as deserving as the next of our love.


So while we haven't yet decided on what the package of baby sister will come with, who her support team will be, what her name will be or what her room will look like, she is in our thoughts and we are starting to incorporate her into our home.  My dear friend Fanny gave us baby sister's first dolls.  Or rather Barbies. Chinese barbies!  How cool is that?  I didn't even know such a thing existed so I was so excited to see them and I hope that giving baby sister a doll who looks like her may be pretty darn comforting when everyone around her looks big and scary and WHITE!  And the boys are totally into coming up with ideas for baby sister.  Little guy thinks her room should be popol and pink because girls like popol and pink.  And the older one made her a little picture of stickers.  I don't know what it is and I have a hunch he had angry birds on his mind when he did it but regardless, it was thoughtful and he put it in a drawer in the closet in baby sister's room.  The room and closet are still being used for guests and storage but we are using that one special drawer to gather things for baby sister.  The Chinese Barbies are in there, as are the sing-a-ma-jigs the boys got for Christmas last year and rather than give them away, they thought baby sister may like them.  There is also a little Disney Princess necklace the older kid got out of a machine at a restaurant intentionally for baby sister.  These little, thoughtful details are fun and heartwarming and take the edge off the looming questions we've yet to answer.





No comments:

Post a Comment