DTC, now what?

I almost don't know what to do with myself.  I have free time and no longer obsessing over documents and deadlines, waking up in the middle of the night with the thought one little detail I need to take care of, etc.  It's a strange, yet welcomed feeling.

Now we wait patiently for LID and LOA, the next two big hurdles.  All the while doing nothing on our part but starting to actually prepare for Macey to come home.

It's funny, and I hate to admit this, but I may have seen some pictures of Macey today.  A woman from one of the yahoo groups I belong to posted some pictures on her blog from her daughter's birthday celebration at the orphanage.  There's a service that will send gifts and a cake and as confirmation that the gifts and cake were received and enjoyed by the recipient, the owner of the service asks for pictures.  So this woman posted pictures of her little girl's birthday "party."  I looked and looked at those pictures, studying the beautiful faces carefully and I hate to say it but I have no idea if one of them was Macey.  I told Parker about them and we just sat together moments ago, holding up the photos on my phone to compare to some of the faces and he was stumped too. She certainly could have been there as this group of children is right around her age, and they're at the same orphanage, but who knows!  We have to kind of laugh about it. It is funny to think we can't even recognize her.  It's hard to get a visual imprint from 2 baby photos and a 2 more that are probably 4-5 months old by now.  The flip side is that the photos also show a room in the orphanage other than the one that's in the photos we have and it looks surprisingly nice.  Clean and new and spotless.  The kids all look happy and don't seem to notice their dingy dungarees!  The nannies in the photo are all cute and young, not the old, wrinkled and gray cranky pants we pictured.  So all in all, they were great photos and made our day. I'm so thankful for all of the other families blogging away and sharing their journey with us.  And for maybe sharing a picture of our daughter.  Not that we would know it.

I mentioned above about the service that will send gifts to the orphanages.  Well, I just placed my first order.  We ordered Macey a "summer package." This is what she'll get:

1. One soft album (10 family pictures)/Silk album (20 family pictures) for nannies to prepare your child`s adoption

2. One 27 Kodak exp. disposable camera with your child name as Tag !!

3. One set of summer clothes and One cute summer dress for girl package !!

4.One soft musical bear/deer/bunny for age less than 4 A doll or panda will be for age is older than 4

5.One pair of summer shoes

6. 4 pairs of hair clippers which match clothes/dress

7.Candies for orphanage staff

8. One Free letter translation service up to 400 words

Please feel free to "add on" as much as you like from our website or let us know of any special 

For the soft album, Ann, the owner, will print pictures I send, label them and place them in the photo album so that the nannies can start working with her on who we are.  I'll send photos of all of us, our cats, our house, our backyard, our plasma cars, and anything else I can fit in.  It's exciting to know she'll soon be introduced to us!  What a wild ride that will be for her. I hope she embraces us.

The other items are pretty self explanatory but I'll tell you about the disposable camera.  The nannies will take pictures of the orphanage, of Macey with her friends or her favorite toys, of her bed or maybe even of themselves with her so that she'll have a keepsake of her time there and so that we will see a little more of her life before becoming a Colvin.  I hope that those pictures will help her through her transition to our family and home.  What an amazing journey she will go through.  I wish there was more we could do to prepare her but at least this is something!

I also ordered a bunch of donation items for the orphanage.  Shoes, socks, underwear, pajamas, formula, bucket of lollipops.  Hopefully it makes a difference and some of the other kids get some enjoyment out of it.  I would feel bad if Macey is strutting around with all her new stuff while all of the other kids, who haven't yet been placed with their forever families, watch with sadness or jealousy in their hearts.  I have no idea how many kids are in the orphanage but we made a sizable donation. We'll see what kind of feedback Ann gives us and if we need to do more, we will.  It's tough to just sit here and not want to send the world to those kids, especially after seeing so many of their adorable faces in real time in the birthday party photos.

We're still waiting on the photos that were promised weeks ago. Mark my words, my new friend Ann will probably come through with new photos of Macey before the BLAS photos come in!

I'm also putting together ideas for Macey's room.  So many ideas!  I've picked out fabric for curtains and throw pillows. I hope to purchase bedding tomorrow. Not that I need it yet, obviously, but I need the bedding in order to match the backing on the curtains and get them ordered. They'll take at least 8 weeks once the fabric comes in so the clock's a tickin!  I also found the bed I think I want to get for her.  I mentioned it to Parker as his eyes instantly glazed over.  He's a dude.  Through and through. So I'm just running with it.  He'll help me paint and set things up but thankfully could care less about room decor or furniture and trusts me not to go too crazy on the spending.

The Dossier has left the building!

Yesterday was a marathon of errands and somehow everything fell into place.  Not in quite the order I would have liked, but the end result was achieved, and that's what matters the most.

I headed into the city with our little guy directly from our big kid's drop off.  Not even a stop for coffee.  Mommy meant business!  We got to the consulate in about 40 minutes, found a parking spot up front and headed in. Everything was looking great until I realized how long each number in our group (the P group/non-visa group, which we will be part of in the next week or two... ugh) was taking.  Seemed every number took about 10 minutes on average. I started to sweat when I realized we were still a good 15 numbers away from being called and only had 45 minutes to go before we would have to head back to pick up the big kid.  Good thing little miss arrogant skipped the back-up plan!  What an idiot.  Somehow, we magically got called at about 11:50.  We needed to be on the road by Noon in order to safely get back to pick up the kid on time.

Consulate Officer:  "Do you want to pick up your documents today or next week?  Or we can mail.  Did you bring an envelope?"

Me:  "Well, I would prefer to pick them up today, of possible?"

CO:  "Okay, be back between 1:30 and 2:30."

Me:  "What happens if I can't get back by 2:30?"

CO:  "We close.  You have to be back between 1:30 and 2:30.  Or you'll have to come a different day then."

Me:  "Oh no, it's okay, I'll be back before 2:30."

This wouldn't normally be an issue .. BUT .. I had to drive back, pick up the big kid at 1:02 then hightail it back to the city, find parking and get in before 2:30.  And throw lunch at the boys somewhere in between.  I tried not to stress and just focused on the mission before me.  Autopilot back to Moraga.  Picked up the big kid with time to spare.  Threw Burger King at them on the way to the city.  Which, by the way, they totally loved because the meal comes in this little box type thing with the old school crown sticking up along the back by perforation so they can just tear it off and wear it when they're done.  And the big kid said "Hey, mom, these chicken nuggets are waaaaay better than the chicken nuggets at McDonalds."  Well, that's good.  At least they ate it!  Anytime I take them to the golden arches, it's like pulling teeth to get them to eat. Duh, the food is awful. Makes the happy meal toy sort of a good idea as at least it's a bargaining point, for kids who actually eat real food with real flavor and real nutrition.  We made it back to the consulate at just after 2, got a spot on the same block and were in the building by 2:10.  Time.  To.  Spare.  Got in the "cashier" line and by the time we made it to the front, it was about 2:20.  And guess what?  Our documents weren't done yet.  Figures.  So we waited another 10 minutes and then 600 bucks later, we were out the door, documents in hand.

When we got back to the car, I re-read the dossier instructions and realized I also needed a cashier's check for the translation services in China.  Ugh.  That meant yet ANOTHER stop before sending it out overnight to our coordinator.  Pedal.. to the freaking metal!  Stopped at the bank in Orinda.  Thank goodness for more junk food.  Our bank always has fresh baked cookies in the waiting area.  I told the boys if they sat quietly and waited patiently for me to get the check that they could have a cookie on our way out.  It would have been a breeze for them.  See what depriving your kids of junk gets you!  But.. BUT.. for the chubby little cookie monster who stormed the place with her mom.  I know anybody who saw me could read the disgust on my face.  Said chubster walks in and her mom tells her to wait there while she gets her stuff done.  Chubby grabs not one, not two, but three cookies and starts gobbling them up Cookie Monster style. No shit!  My kids didn't know what to think. They just stared; jaws on the ground.  I kinda think they were as grossed out as I was. I mean, seriously, if your kid has a serious weight issue, do you really think you should let her pig out at the freaking bank?  If that's what she does in public, how in the world does she eat at home?  She probably had Burger King for lunch too.  Man, some parents totally suck.

Back to my kids.  I got my check, placed it neatly into the awaiting envelope and walked back over to them.  Little guy said "Now can we have a cookie please?"  They each grabbed a napkin and a cookie and we headed out the door. As soon as we hit the sidewalk, the little guy, who is clearly maturing by the minute (he waited until we were outside.. HUGE!) said "Mommy, did you see that girl totally chow down on THREE cookies?"  That's my boy!

We got back into the car, and hit the road yet again.  Next stop UPS store.  While I was driving I just quickly glanced through the dossier requirements one last time. As if the last 2,544 times hadn't amply prepared me.  But alas, I missed one small detail and that was to put the 2 extra passport photos of me and Parker in a clear plastic sleeve. I had to stop at home. And somehow get to the UPS store by 3:45ish to make it into the day's shipment. Crapski.  Raced home, left  the boys in the car, ran in, grabbed the clear sleeve and hit reverse all within about 1 minute and 30 seconds.  Made it to the UPS store just as the driver was loading the truck.  Thanks to my friend Doug, our dossier made it into that shipment and arrived safely at the coordinator's home office this afternoon.  I had this big plan to take a photo of Doug with our dossier envelope in hand, but was in such a rush that I wasn't able to.  You'll have to meet Doug another time.  There will be a few other instances, for sure.

When I got back in the car, without the documents I've been working on and toting to and fro for so very long, I thought I would feel elated and overjoyed but I didn't at all. I felt a small sense of relief but that's about it.  I am having a hard time giving in to any emotion, though the cynicism seems to be working for me (I'm sure you could sense it ...).  My friend's health crisis is weighing heavily on me.  I'm not sure how to even manage the emotions twisting inside of me.  It's hard to let my own feelings out when I'm so torn up about the situation she is in.

I haven't been sleeping well.  But I had a dream last night in which Macey appeared. It was magical. It wasn't just a dream with her in it, but it was about our first meeting. She came into the room with her caregiver.  She smiled at us.  She went over to our little guy and stole his toy.  Then she came over to me. I kneeled in front of her.  She put her little forehead to mine and put her pudgy little hands on my shoulders.  Then she looked up, smiled and started to babble.  It was amazing and I didn't even remember it until I was pulling into the pick up line at my little guy's school. Until then I was wracked with emotion from my visit with my friend and as I turned into the semi-circle driveway at preschool, the memory of my dream hit me.  Oh little Macey, how I can't wait to meet you!

It's funny how our children teach us parenting lessons, long before we meet them.

To Sac and back!

Made it to Sacramento and back in record time. I had this whole crazy a$$ time budget only to blow it before I even made it out of town. And this is why - you know those people that each and every freaking time you run into them, they totally time burglar you?  Well, I got time burgled alright.  Now, don't get me wrong, the woman I talked to for 30 minutes is super nice and we had a great conversation, but why, oh why did I have to run into her today of all days?  Sheesh.  She moved out here about the same time we did and we both have younger kids at the same preschool.  Her older kids go to one of the other elementary school's here in town (not the school our big kid is at).   Most of our conversation was regarding how thankful she and the rest of the parents and kids are that their kid hating principal is leaving at the end of the year.  I couldn't tear myself away from the conversation because some of the stuff she was telling me about the principal... whoooeee... juicy!  I finally had to put an end to it and tell her I would love to get coffee sometime.  I actually would like to, just when I have time carved out because when we get together the clock is on fast forward.  The funny thing is that I'm sure she thinks the same thing about me.  She probably sees me at Safeway and turns to run down the aisle to avoid the inevitable 30 minute conversation in which I won't shut the heck up.  Some people just click like that.  Ha!

I was planning to be on the road at 9:30 but instead didn't get going until about 9:55.  Thankfully the one thing my car is good at is keeping me on track with time and traffic.  I push it to 80, my arrival time shortens by 5 minutes, I see a traffic alert, I swap routes.  Somehow, the little car that actually could, got me there and parked by 11:00.  On the way up I started freaking out thinking I had forgotten something so I took about 10 minutes to review all the documents and make sure everything was in order. Remember yesterday's post about me being totally nutty - yep, review and redo, rinse and repeat. It's impossible not to be totally obsessive when it comes to this stuff. I would never forgive myself if I made a mistake that cost us even a day, let alone a week or a month.  Of course, I had everything, and they were all in order, so I took a deep breath and put on some makeup. I threw my makeup into my bag and thought that maybe I would want to put some on.  I feel less official without it.  As if I'm some fraudulent mother wanna be .. so I put on my face and all of the sudden I look the part?  Whackadoodle!  But after checking the docs for the umpteenth time and putting on a little mascara and lipgloss I was set and ready to tackle the second to the last hurdle in the race to Macey.

I parked a couple of blocks away so I had time to deeply breathe out the anxiety that was threatening to close my throat.  It's not messing around!  Go away already, I've GOT THIS!  I managed to walk and breathe it out by the time I got there.  Parker and I talked about it tonight. I'm not an anxious person.  Shit doesn't get to me, but this does.  His thoughts are that if we sit and think about what we're doing right now and then wonder what Macey is doing, that the thoughts will kill us.  He said, and I agree, that we kind of have to avoid those thoughts and not let her be a "real" person until we get closer because it's too much.   I have a very heavy heart right now because as exciting as it is to be one step from being done with the paperwork, it's tough to be at a point that I will no longer be able to busy myself with it.  As much of a pain in the ass as the paperwork is, it helped to fill the void in my thoughts that would otherwise be focused on our little mei mei .. and how much good we could do to help her heal and grow in the next 5 months versus the lousy care she'll get instead in her institution.  Nobody said this process would be easy, but now that we have a little girl to think about, it's downright gut wrenching.  Our boys are sleeping peacefully right now.  They're wearing clean pajamas and sleeping in comfy, new beds.  When they wake up, they'll run into our room for our morning snuggle.  Then I'll cook them breakfast (I'm very much type A.  I make breakfast.  And lunch.  And crafts.  I'm bat$hit crazy and I'm proud of it!).  I could kill myself with each guilty thought.  Macey is a part of our family so it's overwhelming to think of her life right now, versus ours.  The time burglar from Starbucks asked me "So, what are the conditions like over there?"  And I think that one little question penetrated my heart and sank in.  I'm going to fish it out and bury it if I can!  Is it terrible to try to avoid that thought as much as possible? Perhaps.  But it's self preservation.  I have to keep focused and not let the emotions overwhelm me. Try as they may.

The apostilles (state certification for Hague countries) only took about 25 minutes so not only did I make it back in time for pick up, but I picked up the little guy on time and not an hour late, as planned.  Whew. No time to spare, see the picture from the moment I started the car. Right.  At.  Noon!  It was a relief to be "on time" and also, I was happy to welcome the little guy's smiling face back into the car.  Just the pick me up, and distraction, mama bear needed.

China consulate in the morning with my smily little guy.  Wish me luck!!  Next stop DTC.

Friday the 13th

Friday, April 13th, 2007 was the second worst day of our lives.  My father-in-law died (suddenly, unexpectedly, tragically, you name it) on Monday, April 9th, 2007 and we laid him to rest on Friday, April 13th.  We've had a few miserable, and a couple of slightly less miserable, April 13ths, but the tide changed with the anniversary of this Friday, April 13th.  Little Macey must be our good luck charm!

This was my Friday the 13th:

After I dropped the little guy at preschool and the big kid at kindergarten, I met a dear friend for coffee.  Triple bonus morning - coffee + friend + lots of laughs.  Parker called me 3 times (another triple) while I was chatting with my friend.  I was mad at him that morning because I needed 1 thing from the grocery store the night before, milk.  He ran out to get his corrected background clearance letter notarized and then he stopped at the store for milk and wine (to take to his fantasy baseball draft).  Only he forgot the milk, which I didn't realize until breakfast that morning.  So I thought his blowing up my phone was all about the milk incident. He hates arguments and it kills him when I get mad at him. If he could live the rest of his life without arguing with me once, he would, but I won't let that happen. I promise.  So anyway, when I got to my car after saying goodbye to my friend, I finally called him back.  It wasn't about the milk, but instead there was some really great news he wanted to talk about.  I'll just say hallefreakinglujah for capital losses.  Parker was a partner in his company before it was sold last year and while it hasn't been unicorns and rainbows, this is one little happy dance inducing result of all the crap he's endured, and the money we've lost, in the last year or so.  Really, really great news regarding our tax burden, or rather, lack thereof for the first time in about, forever.

And just when I thought the day literally couldn't get any better, it did.  I picked up the little guy from preschool and we went grocery shopping to pick up a few things I needed to make a fancier, tastier meal than normal thanks to friends braving the Bay Bridge on a Friday night to come out and have dinner with us.  After we got home from the store, I put away all of the groceries, then while the little guy was on the pot (i.e. BUSY and QUIET) I decided to call US Citizenship and Immigration Services to see why the on-line tracking for our I-800A wouldn't work.  Not twenty seconds into the call I hear the little guy yelling "Mommy it was just a accident!"  Somehow, he managed to pee on the floor, pour water into the trash can AND pull down the shower curtain. Thankfully he heeded my one request, which was not to yell bottoms up as he normally does when he's ready to have help getting cleaned up .. and instead whispered it to me while standing in a puddle of I-held-it-so-long-I-started-to-go-as-I-pulled-down-my-pants-pee.  I was trying to have as normal a conversation with the customs official as possible while running back and forth to get info I needed from my office space in the kitchen (because I can't really work in the real office when all the action goes on in the kitchen) and also get the kid and the floor cleaned up as quickly as possible before there was pee tracked throughout the house.  I finally just apologized to the customs official and told her I was dealing with a 3 year old potty accident. She laughed.  She was having trouble finding our case and asked for all sorts of tidbits of info.  She kept saying she couldn't understand why nothing was coming up.  Then music to my ears.  "Well, I think I actually have some good news for you. Are you ready?"  Uh yeeeaaah!  "You're approved!"  WE ARE APPROVED!  Already!  Amazing!  I was so caught off guard by this, that I was literally speechless. I couldn't formulate a coherent sentence.  She asked if she just made my day and I said of course, this is the best news!  She told me good luck with the potty incident and to have a very nice weekend.  I have to say it was refreshing to work with such nice people.  The staff at the Application Support Center and the woman who delivered the good news about the I-800a approval.  I had it in my head that dealing with these people would be like going to the DMV (which in California is about the worst thing you could ever experience) and this couldn't have been more the opposite. Pleasant, friendly, helpful, I could go on and on.  Hats off to the Department of Homeland Security. Perhaps they could have a few words with the Department of Motor Vehicles.  My $.02 is that the conversation would start, and maybe even conclude, as simply as this:  "Hi folks, we're here to teach you how to stop being such a$$holes."

The next step on the adoption train is receiving the actual document stating our approval of the I-800a, which is called the I-797c, from the National Benefits Center. As soon as the approval document is in my hot little hand, we will run to the UPS store to get it notarized then I'll turn everything over to our agency.  They'll take care of state certification, and authentication.  One caveat is that our coordinator has been traveling so I'm considering getting the state certification done myself in order to save time. That would mean I may or may not be heading to Sacramento on Wednesday.  If I can get up there and back in time for kid pick up at 1:45 and 2:30 I'll do it, but if I can't then I'll let the agency handle it. I'm going to call the Secretary of State's office tomorrow to find out the hours they're open and about how long it would take to get the certifications done.  So tbd on the state certs.  Once everything is state certified, it goes to the Chinese embassy in the city to get authenticated then off to China.  Wow!  I can't believe all of the paperchasing is 99% complete and we're that much closer to little miss Macey!