A wish changes nothing. A decision changes everything. ~unknown: Happy Mother's Day

We celebrated Mother's Day today.

I have a lot to be thankful for this Mother's Day, and those thoughts helped me find more joy today than I've felt all week. I wouldn't be celebrating today if I didn't have 2 awesome boys and a beautiful little girl to afford me the title. I also wouldn't have met my friend Lisette if I hadn't become a mother.

Parker got up with the boys, who were so excited that they woke up early. So their mother's children. I love me a holiday! The big kid couldn't wait for me to open his gift so I opened it in bed. A sweet ceramic handprint he made at school. I love it and remember the day I gave my mom the same gift. My how time flies and memories are made to last.

I'm not a late sleeper, or at least I haven't been for about 10 years or so. Drinking less and going to bed at a respectable hour have helped in that regard. Ha. But I also haven't been sleeping well this week. I can get to sleep okay but if I wake up, it's game over. Most days I woke up before Parker's alarm rang at 4:30. I think the worst night was going to bed just before midnight and waking up at 3:30. Last night I slept okay albeit with a restless, sighing, laughing, snoring and sweating almost 4 year old next to me. I actually welcome the boys in if ever they make an appearance in our doorway in the wee hours of the night. I know they won't be doing it in 5 or 10 years. Heck, last night may have been the last. Who knows. But I love a little snuggle even if I get kicked in the crotch, slapped in the head, sweated on and elbowed. I love every stinky, sweaty, painful moment of it because it's the closeness that matters. Their warm little bodies tucked in as closely to mine as they can get. Shimmying closer anytime they go astray. I love it. I just enjoy it in between periods of dozing off. This morning after the big kid came in and roused us all, Parker took them out to the family room to watch some TV while he started working on my all time favorite breakfast and the one he only makes for special occasions such as this... Huevos Rancheros. He even made homemade ranchero sauce. To. Die. For. Corn tortillas, black beans, cheese, hash browns, BACON, red pepper, green pepper, cilantro, onion, jalapeño, dob of sour cream, all topped off with homemade spicy ranchero sauce + Mimosa = one happy mama.

After brunch we opened gifts. It's always more fun to open gifts when everyone around you is jumping out of their seat with excitement. I let the little guy help after he looked at me with his big brown eyes and asked when it was going to be his birthday. He was feeling a little slighted in the gift opening category. He was happy as a clam to get to rip open my new All Clad electric griddle. Which he will enjoy as much or more than any of us because it's he who has a pancake obsession. With my new fancy griddle I can flip off a dozen flapjacks at a time. Whoo wee, this is living folks. Mommy style! In all seriousness, I love it. And I also love that I know when Mother's Day rolls around there will inevitably be some big boxes in signature welcome pineapple Williams Sonoma wrapping paper. I may run out of cupboard space before my list of kitchen "wants" is complete.

Today was a very nice, joy filled day. Tomorrow, I fear, may not be the same. My friend Lisette's memorial service is tomorrow. (Yes, it's a horrible day to have a service but they're Jehovah's Witness so they don't celebrate holidays, no disrespect to the rest of us.) I know the strength and love of our little trio will help us all through. And I'm so very thankful the final link in our trio (which sadly will never again be a foursome) was able to travel back from Utah to be with us as we celebrate Lisette's life and bid our final adieu. I'm not sure what it will be like. Grief is a bitch that way. I spent most of my week being shocked each time it hit. It's strangely easy to talk to people who didn't know Lisette, about her and her tragic death. It's like talking about a stranger. That and maybe I'm still not totally through the shock phase. It's unbelievably overwhelming, however, to imagine talking about it with the only two people I know who understand the magnitude of this loss or the how deep of an impact the absence of her light and joy has and will continue to have. It's these two people I haven't been able to talk to just yet minus a couple of brief phone conversations to iron out logistics. Utah T and I glazed over it today, each recognizing how difficult it is to talk to each other and how it will be so nice, and much easier when we are all together tomorrow. She summed it up in saying it's difficult to really explain Lisette and the situation because when people die we always say how amazing they were, right? We don't say, well, he was a total dick head, cheated on his wife, smoked in the garage, but we loved him and will miss him. No, death is like Facebook and we only talk about the positives! So it's hard when someone who really is amazing and was 100% positive dies, to really get that message across. Like T said, you want to send out a note and include pictures to say we know you've only heard about her and you've never met her, but here she is in pictures, she really existed and was the loveliest person inside and out. I don't think any of us will really ever be able to convey the beauty and warmth and joy that was Lisette to any of you who never got the chance to meet her. And you throw in the Jehovah's Witness mention and all of you Christians, atheists, etc., immediately place her in the cuckoo category. She wasn't that person. She was just special. Beautiful and vibrant, with a smile that literally lit the room and brightened your day. She was brave and courageous and her faith was admirable. She lived her life without making a single misstep, or mistake. She never cast judgment. She was fiercely loyal. Her life was meaningful in every way. She was always an inspiration to me and her memory will live on in all of those whom she was able to touch.

It will be great to spend the day with my two friends tomorrow, sharing many, many joyful memories and being in a space where it's okay for us to grieve for our loss. That's another awkward thing about this. It's very hard to let yourself, or rather, for me to let myself, grieve for my own loss. How can I feel bad for myself when Lisette lost so much more? And for her family losing their wife, mother, daughter and sister? Their loss is unbelievable and unbearable. But tomorrow I'm giving myself the okay to absorb my lesser loss. I am also looking forward to seeing all of those whose lives Lisette also touched. I don't really know what to expect of a Jehovah's Witness memorial service. I hope there are stories and memories shared in person, photos and video. I know they won't be the last images of Lisette that I see and hear but it will be great to be totally surrounded by her one last time.

Happy Mother's Day to all of my amazing mama friends and family. I am humbled by your strength, love and support. I am thankful more now, than ever, for my village.