Leap of faith

I've said it and/or heard it and/or read it countless times in the last week.  International adoption in and of itself requires a leap of faith but special needs international adoption ... well, it should be called more like a free fall of faith.  You lose your stomach as soon as you take the leap.  You aren't sure what's going to happen until you land.  And the ride down, well, it's pants pooping terrifying!

I don't think with special needs adoption (from China no less), that we will ever feel 100% confident with a based on paper only child.  1. We've never seen or watched her with our own eyes.  2. We've never had a kid with special needs and 3. Who the heck knows what gets lost or misinterpreted in the translation.  But are we comfortable enough, based on what we've learned so far?  Yes.  Do we think we can handle it?  Yes.  Are we in agreement on the potential risks?  Yes.  Are we totally prepared?  No. Hell no.  How can we be?  Are you ever totally prepared for what comes with a new child?  No.  You never know what is going to happen in early developmental stages, nor do you know how an additional child will impact your family dynamics. You just have to live it, to learn it.

I must have read a hundred China special needs adoption stories last night (other blogs) and while it scared the pants off of me, it also made me realize that you just plan for the worst and hope for the best, because in the end you don't really know what you're getting.  I read a whole blog about clefts.  Cleft lip, cleft palate.. multiple surgeries, some that "took," some that didn't.  Bone grafting stories, pain and agony, speech therapy.  One family was in the process of adopting a little girl with a heart defect, which is considered a minor special need.  A heart defect easily repaired in the US.  Just a month or so before they were to travel to get her, they got a call that tragically, she had died.  Another family brought home a nsn (non-special needs) little girl only to be shocked by the onset of seizures in the month or two after they were home.  I could go on and on but you get the picture.  We aren't adopting a healthy kid. Period.  We can't compare to anything we know.

We talked and talked last night until we were both emotionally spent.  While Parker was on the phone with our dear friend, looking for a little guidance, I burst into tears after reading all of the adoption stories.  The enormity of this decision hit me like a ton of bricks and I was facing fear in the face.  Fear like I've never known.  Making a decision to bring a child into your family, whom you've never met, and know that on paper, she may have some serious long-term medical issues, is scary.  It's unnatural!  I was so scared to say yes or no!  If I say yes, would I be the one swaying the vote and if I say no, am I turning my back on the girl who is meant to be our daughter?   Even though I was a little uncomfortable, would I be more or less comfortable with the next file that came our way?  I know we can do this and I know our family will be stronger and better for it.  But I am very scared of the unknown and even more scared of making a decision that could potentially have a negative impact on the family dynamic that we now enjoy.  Long term, we'll be fine. Short term it's sure to be a bit of a shit show.  Honestly.

I remember just before the birth of our second son I started to panic. How would our older son handle it. It had just been the 2 of us during the day all day, every day, for 2 years!  And then our easy, happy little threesome after Parker would get home from work and on the weekends. He was the center of our world. And we were just about to rock it by the addition of a baby.  What if he hates me?  What if I don't have time for him?  Will he think I don't love him?  How will this all work out?  In the end, my fears were for naught.  Sure we had our difficulties, power struggles and lots of lots of mommy guilt.  But now our older son has a best friend, a confidante, a shadow, that I cannot imagine him being without.  I am considering all of this as I look forward and hope the day comes, sooner, rather than later, that we look at our 3 kids and rest assured they are stronger and closer and better off because they have each other, because we took a leap of faith.

I guess what I've been trying to say with all of this rambling is that we're mid free fall right now.  We've taken a leap off the edge and into the unknown and are moving forward with adopting this little girl.  Unknowns, big risks and all.  Like Parker says, she's worth taking a chance for.  I've felt it in my heart from the moment I saw her but have been afraid to fully commit.  But committed we are!  She's not ours just yet.  There's the LOI (letter of intent) to write and then we have to receive PA (pre-approval) from the CCWA.  Both of which shouldn't be an issue, just standard procedure.  After that we'll move along the same paperwork path we're already on.  Waiting for I-800A approval and then sending our DTC (dossier to China).  We're hopeful this will all go as planned and we'll be traveling to pick up baby sister late summer.  I don't want to give too much away in case it doesn't work out, but she's a beautiful little 17 month old who loves to ride a plasma car during her activity time.  A girl after our own hearts!  The boys don't know about her just yet.  We are going to wait until we have the paperwork that grants us approval .. just to be safe!  Wrapping their little heads around adoption is tough enough so we need to make sure she's ours before we tell them about her.

I am going to sleep like a baby tonight!  Or rather like a happy, expectant mama!

Just deciding...

The long, exhausting wait is over.  I checked my phone about 10x last night.  Parker had to travel today and so of course we stayed up too late (11:30ish) since making a flight is easier to do tired than is showing up and actually having to work!  I slept restlessly until about 3:45 when I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally got up and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. I thought about just staying up but working to make my body go back to sleep is a lot easier than staying awake with nothing to do but think!  I nodded off again somewhere between 5:30 and 6am.  Little kid woke up early, around 6:30 and came in for a snuggle.  That warm little body helped me relax and I slept again until a few minutes after 7.  After the big kid woke up, we got up and started our day.  Checked my email a thousand more times in the next hour.  Managed to make breakfast and lunches and get the boys dressed and out the door on time.  Drop offs complete ... autopilot to Starbucks. I finally couldn't stand it anymore so before I went in to get my coffee, I sent a note to our coordinator asking her if she could please just let me know if anything came in.  She emailed me right back, while I was waiting for my coffee, and said to call her. What is up with that?  Why doesn't she ever just call me?

So I ran to my car to call her. There wasn't much of an update given.  We aren't surprised though as we didn't even know if we'd get anything!  We do think it's enough to help us make a sound decision.  We're waiting for the doctor's feedback, which may or may not be helpful.  Upon receipt of her thoughts, I think we're ready to make a decision tonight.  I say I think we are because I think I am and I know we have to so ...

I don't really know what Parker is thinking.  We texted back and forth quite a few times but didn't get to actually speak until he was at the airport getting ready to board his flight home.  Not a conversation you want to have on the phone.  I find it's easier for me to just not talk to him on the phone with this issue looming overhead.  I talk .. a lot .. too much .. too often .. so I can't even get started.  I'm saving it up for tonight's face to face.

Just waiting

It's been 11 long days since we met this little girl in photos and on paper.  I finally got a good night's sleep last night, comforted by knowing the information we're waiting on wouldn't be coming in at any moment, so I wouldn't need to wake up to check my email a few times a night.  t talked with our coordinator yesterday and we are getting an update, hallelujah, but not until the woman at the orphanage who can provide it, gets back from her trip on 3/9.  The good thing is that it's 3/9 in China as I type this.  YAY!  But I don't know if it means she'll be back in on 3/9 or that we'll get something on 3/9.  But I do know it will make for another restless night tonight if we don't get anything by the time we go to bed. Which I'm sure we won't because said woman has to return, write up the info, send it to the agency in China facilitating this, who will then send it to our agency, who then has to translate it... When will we actually get it?  Aye, aye, aye, I don't know, but I'm really hoping it's tomorrow.  Of course Parker is traveling tomorrow so just our luck we'll get the info while he's en route to his meeting and will be expected to make a quick decision.  If there's more medical stuff, I don't even know if they'll give us more time to have our doctors take a look.  If there isn't, I wonder if they will expect it immediately?  There are other families in line, ya know.  Weird to have to 1) make a decision about a kid and 2) be hurried because of other families breathing down your neck to get that kid that you may actually want!  Weird and awkward and nearly impossible.  If I haven't said it before, I'll say it now, being pregnant is so..much..easier.  I would rather be 42 weeks pregnant, peeing every hour, wheezing without even taking a step, not sleeping, popping tums like tic tacs with a head on my bladder a couple of feet in my ribs... AND CANKLES!  All that physical crap is nothing compared to this, especially when that baby comes out and you love him so much that it doesn't matter what his future may look like because he's yours and you love him and whatever will be, will be.  Well, that and this being my personal story. I'm sure many of you have horror pregnancy/child stories that top this but in my little bubble of rainbows and puppies, pregnancy was a breeze, pre-eclampsia and all and my kids are healthy.  There were no tough decisions to be made.  When I was pregnant with our little guy we didn't even do any of the non-required testing because it didn't matter.. we were having the baby no matter what.  And now we have to make a decision.

This may sound nuts but we totally underestimated how gut wrenching this would be.  We anticipated following the process, getting a referral, and accepting the referral.  We thought the hardest part would be deciding which special needs we would or would not accept.  But then I jumped the gun and looked at the kids our agency is placing and how could I not find one of those little faces to love?  So rather than checking special needs off of a list, we are now considering the needs of this particular little girl.  Like many things, when you put a face to it, it is much more meaningful.     

One of the things I find comfort in is that there are other families in line so if we do end up having to say no to this little girl, I hope one of them are able to take her.  I was so distraught at the thought of us saying no only for the other families to do the same for the same reason.  That reason being the big unknown, the what if, the worst case scenario.  But over the last few days, what I'm learning is that in the adoption world, there are all sorts of families.  All sorts of welcoming, loving, flexible, open families.  Some families are better equipped than others for this or that special need.  Some are able to adopt a 10 year old as if it's no big deal. I can't even imagine.  Language issues, hurry up and bond before she's off to college. My eyes have been opened to families on the same journey but who are taking different routes.  It's a unique way to build a family so there really isn't a right or wrong .. only what's right for us as a family.  What may be wrong for us may be the perfect fit for another family and vice versa.  We have the resources for a lot of things others may not. Not just financial resources, but consider where we live. We are a 15 minute from Oakland Children's Hospital and a 45 minute drive from Lucille Packard's Children's Hospital at Stanford.  Not to mention some of the top Pediatric Therapists, Neuropsychologists, you name it.  If you live in timbucktwo, there are a lot of medical conditions you can't take on because you simply cannot make a 2-6 hour drive for surgery, post-op appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc.  So I hate hearing "oh blah, blah, you'll get the right little girl."  Suck it!  Kind of like telling a woman who is battling her ovaries "don't worry, it will happen."  So stupid and insensitive.  BUT!  I do believe we will FIND the right little girl for us. She won't just be dropped on top of us like magical air mail from China.  (Dag nabbit.)  Instead, we will find her through hard work, soul searching, honest communication and top notch medical advice.  

Cheers!  Hitting the ambien, I mean chardonnay. 

Holding my breath

We talked a lot last night after I wrote my last post.  As much as we know this may end with us still searching for baby sister, we're both still holding out hope that this little girl is her.

I am trying to be patient but the suspense and the unknown is killing me!  So I broke down and emailed our coordinator this morning.  I asked if she could at least let me know if she's heard anything at all or if something is in the process, anything.  As I drove down the road after dropping the big kid at school an email came in from her. I pulled over and almost hopped the curb, which would have been minor to most vehicles but could have totaled mine.  Should have hopped it...

Email said to call her.  So I called Parker and started to panic. He said just go home and let's both call and he told me how to do it on my iPhone. I'm turning into such an old fogey that I now need help figuring out my own darn phone.  Next on the list after getting a kid is catching back up on technology.  Jeez.  So I ran in, turned on Franklin and Friends for the little guy then flew into the office to make the call. I called Parker first then the agency. I was so excited to hear what she had to say that I just let her start talking without saying Parker was on.

It turns out no news is good news.  We made our request for more information on March 1.  The same day, it just so happens, that the CCCWA changed the rules for providing updates.  She called and talked to them and they agreed to be flexible.  But then another complication arose in that the person providing the updates is traveling on a train to a conference or something.  So the good news is that we are going to get an update and hopefully very soon.  There's pressure too, however, as other families are hounding the coordinator for this girl and complaining that we've had the file for over 72 hours.  But it's not as if we're twiddling our thumbs and taking our sweet time .. we're asking the same questions they will want answers to .. so we have to be given a little more time.  She said a couple or a few more days.  Hopefully within this time we'll have enough information to make a good decision.

Maybe she's not baby sister

I've gone from ecstatic to optimistic to hopeful to doubtful to fearful to pessimistic.  We haven't gotten any updates. Maybe they're working on them... maybe they're somewhere being translated... or maybe they aren't coming at all.  And unfortunately if we don't get any additional information or the answers to even the simplest of the questions, we won't be able to take the leap of faith to move forward with the adoption.

I'm thankful that every time my emotions spiral out of control that my husband is a male who is, by default, rational.  I'm also thankful for kind, wise and generous friends.  Without these things, I'm not sure I would have what I need to get comfortable with any decision, let alone the one that will leave me deeply saddened.  Parker is a facts and numbers guy and he has laid out his thoughts methodically and rationally.  At the end of our discussion about this little girl on Thursday night we thought it sure would be great if we had some help or advice that wasn't just on paper.  We decided to call in the help of a dear friend and mentor.  He's on vacation so Parker sent him a quick email.  We heard back the next day.  Long story short, I checked my email at 5am this morning (hoping for an update from our agency) and there was an email from a world renowned doctor from Europe who was kind enough to take a look at the little girl's file at the request of our friend.  Amazing.

The one thing we're feeling good about is that the advice we're getting is consistent.  Same risk factors, same potential issues that may or may not present in the future.  Consistent, yet unbelievably depressing.

Last night I re-read the files again as well as the pages of notes I scribbled during our conference call with the doctor to review her report.  I've mentioned before that the doctor said this little girl is doing amazingly well. She also said there isn't anything in the medical report that is terribly alarming.  Both fairly positive.  BUT, the one big issue this little girl has could have been caused, or is a symptom of, a number of different things OR it could be self limiting OR it could just be something she was born with and is part of her anatomy.  In order to come to some conclusions, we have to isolate each of the causes or symptoms on their own and think about it from the perspective of okay if this is the cause/symptom then the worst case scenario is "x" and just go down the list to make sure we talk through each of them.  There is only 1 of 8+ potentials that is scary.  So last night I told Parker this is insane. We're looking at it from the perspective of the worst possible cause and the worst possible outcome. It's almost ridiculous to even think the odds could play out that way. But they absolutely can. And if they did, we probably wouldn't know it until she starts school or even later in high school.

Because she's doing so well now, I really don't foresee in my heart of hearts that she's just going to take a nosedive.  But she very well may peter out at some point.  Or she may keep developing normally but have something else go haywire in her brain. It could impact her mood, her relationships, her temper, her ability to hold down a job.  These are big issues but really just the tip of the iceberg as the stalling out of development would be an even worse outcome.

Bottom line is that we'll be able to make the best decision with the addition or absence of additional information.  We really don't need much more to sway us, but if we don't get anything, we can't rightfully agree to move forward.  There's too much risk and we can only do it if we both agree it's the right decision. Parker doesn't want me to be disappointed that he's not comfortable moving forward given the risk factors that we've been told time and time again.  And I won't be able to live with the guilt of putting this on our family should the worst of the scenarios play out in the coming years.  Thankfully, thankfully we are able to talk through all of this.  Almost too well. I can't even think straight right now,  I'm so overwhelmed playing out the scenarios in my head, checking my email every 2 seconds, switching the subject of any and every conversation we've had in the last week back to this girl without even intending to.  My mind is stuck and I am looking forward to becoming unstuck.

A nice distraction

There was one good thing about turning 39 yesterday:  It was a distraction.

We made plans to go to dinner in the city on Friday night.  I pampered myself with a pedicure and manicure while the boys were at school.  I tried that new fangled shellac polish and me loves!!  I don't ever do my nails unless there's a special because I always nick, smudge or chip them within a day or so.  But this shellac is totally awesome.  My nails are still perfect and shiny and should stay this way for another 2 weeks.  Fancy me.  After my  nail appointment, I picked up the little guy from preschool at Noon. We came home and I rushed around getting the house and ourselves ready. I'm admittedly a little crazy when it comes to cleanliness and organization.  I can't relax at night if everything isn't picked up and put away.  Or if there are splatters on the mirror from the boys messy teeth brushing. I know, I'm nuts. I  had just cleaned on Thursday morning.  Part of my coping mechanism while waiting for the call with the doctor.  Usually  I bake when I'm stressed (i.e. the two cubes of butter I put out first thing that morning in anticipation) ... but that morning I decided cleaning would be a better idea anticipating the culinary indulgences coming my way in Friday and Saturday.  So thankfully the cleaning/tidying didn't take long.  I then put the little guy in the shower while I threw a few things in a bag.  I heard him whimpering.  I walked in to check on him and he was standing in the shower, shivering.  Poor kid. I suppose it was better than burning him with scalding water!  I adjusted the water temp and ran back to finish packing.  I'm not sure how, but I put him in the shower at 12:52 and we miraculously made it to the big kid's school for his 1:02 pick up.  Now here's where it gets a little embarrassing.  Not wanting to stop, or lose time, I decided to go through the Taco Bell drive thru for lunch.  Whatever.  Don't judge. I know, Tbell is probably the worst of the worst, but it's easy.  And cheap. And one of only two options we have out here in the sticks.  They don't eat fast food but maybe once a month and even then, they talk me into it because they see some stupid toy on TV that they're giving away.  And while I'm at it, I was so ticked off the last time I took them to McDonald's.  What the heck is up with fries now being included? Some stupid tag line about now all happy meals come WITH FRIES!  What the heck people.  I don't want them to have the fries. They were just fine with the apples and didn't even realize they weren't GETTING fries.  So now they get a stupid little carton of fries and 4 freaking apple slices.  What's next?  Now all happy meals come with COKE!  And we wonder why we're so darn fat....  But the good thing is that they don't like the food enough to want to go unless there's a compelling toy giveaway so I don't have to get all ranty too often.  That's one great thing about city life in San Francisco. No chains.  No fast food.  Bring on the sushi or tzatziki. So back to my less than stellar mommy moment. Taco Bell in the car for lunch. It was a calculated move.  They get a cheese rollup.  Easy, no mess and no complaints. Cheese. Tortilla.  Done.  BUT!  They also got a drink.  Not usually an issue unless you're 3 1/2 and can't control your impulses.  Off comes the lid and splash.. all over the car and big kid's book bag.  Splashing, screaming, tears, kicking.  All while I'm trying to merge into the funnel of the Caldecott Tunnel. I had to actually pull over. It's a good thing because the book bag (which is a really cool program and the bags belong to the school...) was soaked. Big kid is freaking out because his teacher is going to be "SO MAD!" I agree, she probably will be, but I'll do a number on that lemonade with my baby wipes and maybe, just maybe she won't notice!  I also did a naughty thing.  I was so mad at the little guy that I took the piece of junk "watch" that came with their meal and flung it out, over the top of the car and into the bushes alongside the road.  I littered. Better than swearing at him.  There was some comfort in that moment of breaking the law to prove a point. Don't mess with mommy on her way into the city to celebrate her gosh darned birthday!

On the road again.  Impulse control repair in the way of a nap came within moments of putting the car back in drive.  Made into the city in 20 minutes and all was right in the world. We were staying the night in our old neighborhood at a kitschy little motor inn.  Straight from the 60's but updated with a cuban flair.  Not fancy but perfect.  We parked on the street and let the little guy sleep it off for a few. Big kid was happy as all getout getting in a little angry birds action. After the little guy woke up we pulled into the hotel and got checked in.  While I parked the car the guest service dude that checked us in chatted with the boys by the pool and gave them each a pair of knock off ray ban's with black lenses and bright orange arms stamped with the hotel's name.  Pretty cool.  Our room was perfect.  One big room with a queen bed, bathroom and little fridge and sink.  The boys' room was tiny but they looooved it.  Full of toys and books and puzzles.  Dog butt hooks on the wall.  Starry night lamp on the wall and a big leaf canopy over the twin and trundle beds.

Parker showed up not long after we checked in. He was in rough shape after a long week that involved traveling and an annual sales meeting and team building session with his new coworkers.  He took a nap while the boys watched some tube and mommy went shopping. I'm not a shopper.  I hate it. Unless it's Target or Costco.  I think it's a waste of time and I hate spending money like that.  But our old neighborhood has a few of those unique boutiques where you're sure to find something every time you go... so I went. And I found a super cute blouse which I wore out that night, a summer dress and a cute top to dress up my uber casual suburban weekday wardrobe.  All in about 20 minutes flat.  Would have been done sooner but I chatted with the owner for a few.  And whaddya know part of my bday present was a gift certificate to the same place so I'll get to hit it up again in the coming months!

We got all fancied up for dinner.  We went to Slanted Door.  If you aren't from here, I'll tell you it's probably the best Asian restaurant in the city.  Vietnamese to be exact.  It also helps that it's now located in the ferry building, along the backside, with views of the water. I haven't been in years and get so tired of Parker casually mentioning he had Slanted Door for lunch.  Sucks to be him.  Not.  Anyway, we were there with the early crowd (but lots of super "happy" happy hourers...) so it was still light out and we got to enjoy the view of the water and the bridge. Even as it got dark out, the boys were delighted when the ferries pulled in or out, all lit up for evening travel across the bay.  Our dinner was so darn good!  We totally pigged out. I think our waitress thought we were nuts ordering too much food. Little did she know what gluttons we all are.  Spareribs, springrolls, shaking beef, rib eye, cellophane noodles with crab (which you can get take out from Out the Door in pac heights!!) and the most exciting part of the meal, dessert. The biggest, airiest cloud of cotton candy I've ever seen. Much to the boys' delight!  Lychee cotton candy. Yummo. I liked it better than the caramel profiteroles Parker and I ordered to share.  A perfect, perfect meal.

After dinner, we walked down to the Wine Merchant, one of the last men standing in a hall of shops closing for the night.  We got a few bottles of wine and left the building.  It couldn't have been a better night.  Warm, light breeze, great meal, well behaved kids, shiny nails, new blouse.  Headed back to the hotel.

Got the boys off to bed just as some good friends stopped by.  One couple has an almost 1 year old. The other couple is expecting. So of course they still live in the neighborhood. Lucky dogs.  Our room was perfect for its purpose of sleeping in for one night but we must have looked a sight all packed in.. 2 on the bed, 2 in wicker chairs and 2 on toddler chairs (from the kids room!).  We had some wine and lots of laughs.  Talked about babies, childbirth, preschools, the suburbs, SUVs with 3rd rows, you know, all sorts of cool, hipster talk. Or rather, lots of practical, parent talk.  But that's where we're at now. We can have just as much fun talking about that stuff as we can anything else, because when you do it over glasses of wine, it makes it more interesting. Especially with one gregarious guy with the initials T.K. in the house. Good times.  Best laugh of the night... hmm.... a tie between the dad of the almost 1 year old saying his little girl is "dead inside" because she doesn't laugh often or smile easily.  As I write that I realize it may not sound as funny when you're reading it, but trust me, saying with a deadpan face that your kid is dead inside is FUNNY people. It's sort of a joke. Sort of.  Okay the other laugh is our good friend, who is pregnant, is a teensy bit paranoid.  She wasn't feeling that great.  So she wen't to her OB and OB said she is fine and should just go to her regular doctor. So she goes to the regular doctor and tells him what's going on and could he take a look at the spots on her throat.  He said sure and as he took a look, he said "Those are your taste buds."

They also asked how it is going with the adoption. We glazed over it a bit but my canned answer is that it's really hard to have to make a decision. I also made the mistake in showing them a few pictures that I have on my phone of the little girl.  Mistake meaning each time I share her, I feel more like she's becoming a part of us already.  I'm sure they didn't think she's as cute as I think she is and I'm sure seeing her big head and tattered clothes were a little off putting to them as new and to be parents, but I love looking at that sweet little face.  So don't ask me about her in person or I'm sure to pull out my phone and share her with you.

After they left, Parker walked out and got us some slices of pizza.  Another city life perk.  Hot slices of pizza at 11pm.  Gluttony at its finest.  We also talked about the elephant in the room.  We both agree that there are plenty of reasons to move forward and a few good reasons not to. Over the last few days I've talked myself into it only to talk myself right back out of it. I'm playing ping pong in my head. It's excruciating.  We decided to just wait and see what, if any, new information we can get. Even if it's just a simple set of recent growth values. If we can just get updated confirmation that she's doing as well as she appears to be we'll feel a lot better about taking a huge leap of faith. So that's where we left it.

We got up Saturday morning and went to our old street for breakfast. I had something I really wanted in mind but the boys are totally nuts for the pancakes at one of the crappier places so we went with that. I'd rather them be excited about it anyway.  We then hit up the neighborhood Starbucks. The manager still remembers me and my drink. Asked how life in the burbs is and I said boring but great!  He laughed and nodded and said he's ridden his bike through our town.  Then we hit up the greasy, dirty doughnut shop.  Sadly the guy behind the counter with the biggest, most distractingly hairy mole you've ever seen wasn't there.  He and his wife are always so happy to see the boys but we used to go during the week so I wasn't surprised they weren't there on a busy Saturday morning.  Next to the last stop was the book store.  Oh how I miss that store. The best books I've ever read come from their recommendations.  A locals kind of place.  If I never step foot in a Barnes and Noble again, I'll be a happy girl.  The boys went totally crazy picking out books. We don't spoil our kids. Well, I'm sure to some they seem to be, but in perspective for where we live, we do not spoil our kids.  I will buy them book after book after book before I buy them a single toy.  Toys are earned or given to them as gifts from others.  The book store had a huge Dr. Seuss display given his birthday was on Friday.  There were Seuss books I'd never seen before and we already have a huge collection. Well needless to say, I think we now own them all.  I picked out a book for myself that joined the stack of 3 on my nightstand begging to be read. Maybe someday my friends.  Someday soon I hope.  Someday when I am not googling this or that disability or prognosis or complication in the hours after Parker goes to sleep at night.

Last stop was to pick out cupcakes at my favorite cupcake shop, Kara's Cupcakes.  I hate that cupcakes have become so trendy. This was the first in SF.  It opened in 2005 on the cusp of cupcakes popularity explosion.  Many imitators later, it's still the best.  We picked out a nice selection and headed home to celebrate.  Parker had covered my gifts in white butcher paper and had the boys decorate it with words and shapes and stamps.  Adorable.  They got me an iRobot Roomba which is charging as we speak and will be great for my cleaning OCD.  They also got me a guidebook to China.  It's fascinating.  Broken down by province and includes where to stay, where to eat, what to do, how to survive, weather, customs, you name it.  I love it and can't wait to put it to practical use.

Big kid had his last indoor soccer game yesterday so we made it to that.  The games are at his elementary school.  After the games, all the kids and families head to the playground where the kids play and the parents chit chat.  I was chatting with one of our new friends while Parker chatted with a dad he'll be coaching tee ball with. Every time I looked over I thought he may collapse in narcoleptic heap.  Not because he was bored or disinterested.  Because we added on another late night after his crazy week and then we had been running around all day and the emotions of this whole decision are downright exhausting on their own.  Thankfully he made it through and stayed vertical.

Then last night we went out again!  But sans kids.  It was a PTA parent party for big kid's school.  The country club here just finished construction of a huge new clubhouse. The party was there.  The entertainment was this local legend, Diamond Dave.  He does this sort of karaoke/DJ kind of thing.  Plays all sorts of hits from LMFAO to Rick Springfield.  He sings and he sings really well.  He also jams along on a keyboard or drum.  But the odd thing is that he's probably 60 years old and totally clean cut.  It is just the weirdest thing ever and impossible to reconcile what you're hearing with what you're seeing.  But it's a super fun combo and you can't help but dance.  And dance we did.  Till my feet hurt!  Parker's words "Moraga just got way cooler."  Needless to say he very much appreciated seeing people drinking and dancing and gettin' crazy!  After partying all night, we came home at the ripe old hour of 10:30.  We tried to call for pizza delivery but guess what folks, they close at 10pm. 10 o'clock, seriously?  In a college town?  Totally blows. So Parker ran to the store for a frozen pizza.  A couple slices later and a sip of wine, and that's all she wrote.  Happy birthday to me.

We had a great, fun-filled perfectly timed weekend.  We all needed it. The boys don't know what's going on but I'm sure they have sensed the distraction.  And Parker and I needed to let loose a little.  Too much tension.  But then I woke up today with my first thought being okay the fun's over, get back to business. Checked my phone, which I strategically left on my nightstand (alongside the stack of books waiting to be read), and no update from the agency. Today is Monday in China so I'm hoping, hoping we hear something.  I'm afraid the likelihood of getting any new info is going to diminish with each passing day.  But we'll see.  Remaining hopeful.

We need more time

That about sums it up.  Making a  decision of this magnitude is almost too hard.  If we were pregnant and presented the exact same set of circumstances, we would have no choice.  We would take it all in. Hope for the best.  And deal with whatever happens, when it happened.  But we don't get that privilege. We have to make a decision. And soon.  We've asked our agency for more time, which they were happy to give to us. On top of getting a boatload of info to process from the doctor today, we also need to talk about this face to face.  Which couldn't have happened today or tonight because of Parker's work obligations.  We also need some questions answered.

The call with the doctor went really well. She was candid but understanding and reasonably warm.  The most difficult part of this whole process is the lack of information.  We're going off of one set of values taken when this little girl was 9 months old. She is now 17 months old.  And there is a whole lot that happened between her "intake" date at just over 2 pounds and a day or to old, to the miraculous catching up she's done to date.  It all sounds too good to be true. And that may well be the case. She may be a miracle baby, much like I was.  A refresher, I was a few months premature, 2 pounds 9oz, supposedly had hydrocephalus and was developmentally delayed.  I didn't have a single hiccup as a child. Perfectly.  Healthy.  I'm not naive enough to think that's the case here. But at the same time, that's kind of what it seems like.

On the flip side, however, there is one HUGE unknown about this little girl.  There is one glitch that's big enough that if the worst case scenario panned out, she wouldn't be able to become a productive, self sufficient adult.  Like Parker said, I can be proud of a Starbucks Barista, but we really have to think long and hard about an adult who cannot take care of herself, etc.  No offense to Baristas out there.  Point being, we don't need baby sister to go to Harvard or win a Nobel prize, but we do want her to become a productive member of society.  The odds here are a shot in the dark.  Best guess is that it's 25% chance.  But again, that's with how little info we have. Maybe we could whack these odds in half if just knew a little more of her story. And the doctor also pointed out that there really wouldn't be anything that could get us as low as 5% given her challenging beginning.  But even if the odds are what they are, there's still a 75% chance she will be fine.

25%.  Haunting, double digit risk factor.  Is it worth it?  Can we get better than that?  Can we get something different?  We have absolutely no freaking idea.

Since the call I've talked myself into wanting to move forward only to then find as many reasons to talk myself out of it.  I'm not sure how we are going to make this decision. Perhaps the answers to the questions we asked will help. Our doctor came up with the most important questions to seek answers for.  There is little chance we'll get answers to them all, but if we can get a few more tidbits of info, it will lessen the fog of mystery and help us come to some sort of conclusion.

I am definitely one to take an emotional risk.  Thankfully Parker's approach provides a balance.  He is a fact finder and verifier and a number cruncher.  And he's a dude. He's emotional to a point but his rationale wins out time after time after time.  If it was just me, I would say yes, absolutely, I want to be her mother.  But I can't do that.  We can't do that.  We have to think about everyone.. short term and long term.

This is where that damn list comes into play.  If we had just filled it out and agreed to it, we probably wouldn't be considering this little girl.  Why? Because while she doesn't present with any major issues, the one she has would impact her emotionally and mentally.  We talked earlier on that we would rather have a physical issue than a mental one.  And now look... here we are at a crossroads because we haven't filled out that damn form.  But like I told Parker on the phone today I don't want to just make a decision now based off of what we thought we wanted versus what is in front of us now.  We owe it to ourselves and to this little girl to dig deeper.  Dig deeper within ourselves and dig deeper medically and historically to make sure we are making the right decision.  So that's what we're doing. The excavation has begun.  I'm hopeful we'll uncover some useful facts, but overwhelmingly stressed that we won't.

Still cautiously hopeful.